February 6, 2010 by brandon adamson
Dawn Batson dredged up this photo of me at Harlowe’s from when she came to visit in December of 2006.When I see it, all I can think is “such innocent times.” Dreary to see a photo like this really. I feel like I need to time travel back there to my diet depsi drinking, cream chipped beef on toast eating self and save him from the smirk on his face.
Dear December 29, 2006 Self,
“Young man, you have no sense of what hellish things awaiteth you these next couple years. You’re going to experience whirlwind romances, unconditional love and romantic tumultuity the likes of which you have not yet seen. You will finally win over the girl of your dreams, an astonishing achievement by 2006 standards. But if dreams can come true, then nightmares can too. I know what you’re thinking…but yes you still can and will feel pain from broken heartedness. You will discover there are other ways for relationships to go badly than what you are familiar with. Right now you think it’s so hard to find someone that you love who actually loves you back just as equally. Well, I got news for you, pal, it turns out that’s only the first step! There are so many other variables in the equation, that you are simply not prepared to deal with grasshopper.
If all that were not bad enough, you’re also going to have ultrasounds, CT scans, endless anxiety, and eventual scrotum surgery to deal with that mysterious third testicle you’ve always been worried about in the back of your mind and is probably giving you discomfort at this very moment.
Most of your friends will have gotten married or essentially vanished from the world as you know it, and having blown your own chance you’ll be flying on your own…one of the last to remain, like “Bear” from the 1978 movie “Big Wednesday.” You are going to experience many unpleasantries and suck ass things. You should just immortalize yourself forever in that pose and call it a day. Oh and after breakfast Dawn and Ferraby are going to ask you if you want to come back to L.A. with them for New Years Eve. You should do it because your new years eve is going to blow otherwise. You’re not going to get to makeout with anyone at midnight, and the one girl at the party who wants to is underage and not the one you want.”
Tags: 2006, astral projection, bear, big wednesday, dawn batson, ferraby lionheart, harlowe's, innocent times, los angeles, lost innocence, narcissism, new year's eve, pessimism, self loathing, tempe, time travel, tumultuity
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February 6, 2010 by brandon adamson
M: Hey, I see you around a lot and you’re really cute.
P: Thanks, it’s an illusion that wears off all too quickly, probably the moment we step into a fluorescently lit room together. I’m fond of your appearance though.
M: Thank you. I feel like I look like crap today. so…hi. What’s up?
P: Nothing much. Nothing at all in fact. What do you like to do or whatever?
M: I hike and go camping a lot! What about you?
P: No, I don’t really like to go outside usually
M: Oh.
P: Well, that’s not totally true. I like it when it rains or when it’s overcast and humid
M: Me too. But it hardly ever rains here.
P: I know.
M: Well I really just wanted to come over and say hi and meet you. We should hang out sometime.
P: Great, I know how that story ends…but sure why not.
M: Let me give you my number to put in your cellphone…
P: You might come to regret that decision.
M: Oh I don’t think I will.
P: Give it a few weeks or so, maybe sooner even.
M: Hah, no I was really drawn to you. That’s why I came over here.
P: Really? cause I tend to have the opposite effect….
M: Yeah right. I bet.
P: Anyway. I should get going. I don’t want to overstay my welcome. I’ve done that before. You’re really cute though.
M: Awww thanks. You make me blush.
P: That’s funny. In three weeks I’ll be saying “You’re really cute” and you’ll be saying “Whatever creep. leave me alone.”
M: Well, bye then! Talk to you soon hopefully.
P: Yeah, I’m enthusiastic. Bye
Tags: broads, conversations, convos, dating, dumb young girls, misogynist, miss and the pessimist, pessimism, romance, waste of time
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February 4, 2010 by brandon adamson
“That’ll be 8.02″
(I hand the girl at the counter a $10 bill
and she starts to count out 1.98 in change)
“You’re not really going to give me 98 cents change are you?”
Normally I pay for everything with my debit card, but at certain places I only pay cash because I don’t necessarily want them to know who I am. I’ve had people look for me online before after seeing me somewhere…and that’s cool I do that sort of thing too, but I also write about all sorts of nutty exchanges I have with people so you just really never know who reads this stuff and how they’d react. Maintaining anonymity in certain circles(like where I eat) is important to me.
Back in the days when I was a “broke ass ” coins were a hot commodity (even mangled pennies that had been run over to the point of near-unrecognizability were highly sought after.) Anything to get me closer to the short term goal of either a single bag of microwave popcorn or a stick of processed string cheese from 7-eleven.
The only time in recent memory that I made any serious effort to scrounge around for change buried within the meager crevasses of my room was about a month ago, and I was able to muster about $35 worth… which I brought to the Coinstar machine and converted it into cash that I then took to Vegas where it swiftly evaporated into a “Money Mad Martians” slot machine and was completely vaporized within about 20 minutes.
I hate coins. They should just get rid of them altogether. When your skinny jean pockets get too filled with change, it just makes it look like you have a displaced scrotum. Not to mention it sags your pants and causes you to make constant belt notching adjustments to account for the periodic increases and decreases in coin levels throughout the day.
Years ago people saved every penny. Nowadays you find a quarter in your pocket(not a roll of quarters mind you) and it’s “how the the heck did that get in there?” just before you toss it somewhere harmlessly without even bothering to make a wish.
Tags: anonymity, coins, coinstar, i hate coins, Las Vegas, microwave popcorn, money mad martians, paranoia, pennies, scrounging for change, skinny jeans, Slot Machines, string cheese, vegas
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February 3, 2010 by brandon adamson
People just don’t seem to understand the name Brandon. By that I mean they literally never can get it right when they hear it. Anytime I go anywhere or do anything where some stranger feels the need to ask me my name and I say “Brandon”….they always come back and mistake it for some other name.
Them“What was that? You said your name was Fred?”
Me“No it’s Brandon actually”
Them“Oh, okay hi Randy”
Me“No, it’s Brandon.”
Them“Oh Brian. I thought you said Fred”
Me“It’s Brandon…
I experience conversations like this multiple times on a daily basis, and I just don’t get it. While I have a fairly soft spoken, “vaguely prepubescent” voice I certainly don’t talk like I have marbles in my mouth and can enunciate with the best of the 1970’s game show hosts or at the very least the level of a veteran mid-tier telemarketer. The name which I am speaking should not even be remotely in doubt.
It’s not as if the name Brandon is so uncommon as to not register in the realm of possibilities of the human psyche when heard. It’s not even one of those weird made-up spellings, insisted upon pronunciations or oddball offshoots of a proper name that parents often use to give their precious child an annoyingly unique name.
“Well hello there Tara (pronounces it like terra)”
“Actually it’s Tara (pronounces it Tar-uh like tar the gooey stuff they use on roads)
“It’s nice to meet you Shana(pronounced Shay-nuh)”
“Despite how it looks my name is really Shana(rhymes with banana)”
In actuality when I was a kid there were very few Brandons(maybe one other one in my whole grade school), and as a child I remember being self conscious that I had such a weird name. It wasn’t until about 5th grade that I finally even met a kid named “Brendan.”
Almost any Brandon from that era can trace the origin of his name to the child character on the show “The Courtship of Eddie’s Father” (in the same way that the once teen idol Jason Priestley character “Brandon Walsh” on 90210 undoubtedly spawned a plethora of progeny born in the early nineties.)
I however was not lucky enough to be named after the boy from “The Courtship of Eddie’s Father” but was instead named for the hero in a sleazy drugstore romance novel called “The Flame and the Flower”…a book my mother had apparently been quite fond of.
Nevertheless, I digress. The one thing that all the people who hear and say my name wrong have in common is that they really have no need to know it at all. It’s simply unnecessary for the level of interactions and transactions that are taking place. It is in fact, completely irrelevant in these situations in any capacity other than to make sure that it matches up with whatever is printed on my debit card.
Most notably this seems to happen at Starbucks, where often my name is repeated several times sometimes even within a single sentence.
“Thank you Fred, I’ll have that right up for you Fred”
“One venti hot chocolate for Fred please”
“okay venti hot chocolate for Brad coming right up”
“I have a venti hot chocolate ready for Brett”
While I have nothing against the friendly and awesome employees, I find the whole thing rather insulting in the sense that it’s just so phony. It’s all just a ploy for a gigantic empire to appear less corporate, more local and personal. If my choice is between being a carefully market-researched target demographic statistically happy customer and anonymous, 3 digit, no-need-for-this-nonsense grumplicious random dude…I’ll take the number every time. We’re all numbers to them any way you look at it.
I won’t say that I’ve quite reached the level of dissatisfaction as say, Michael Douglas in the contemporary classic “Falling Down” in the memorable scene that takes place at the fictitious “Whammy Burger”…
Bill Foster: I’d like some breakfast?
Rick: We stopped serving breakfast.
Bill Foster: I know you stopped serving breakfast Rick, Sheila told me that you… why am I calling you by your first names? I don’t even know you. I still call my boss ‘Mister’ even though I’ve been working with him for seven years, but all of a sudden I walk in here and I’m calling you Rick and Sheila like we’re in some kind of AA meeting and… I don’t want to be your buddy, Rick. I just want a little breakfast?
In fact, one of the only good things about mega corporate outlets like Target and Walmart is that you can shop anonymously without being bothered, pressured or chatted up by employees the way you would be at tiny local boutiques. Good customer service isn’t just about being fake friendly, but rather about reading people and determining how each individual customer would like to be treated.
Some customers like you to remember their name, what they usually get, and ask them if they need help finding “something” every time they happen to accidentally make eye contact with an employee. Other people are in a hurry and would prefer for you to keep the lines moving with minimal interruptions. Still others would rather just be awarded a cloak of invisibility when they enter an establishment, careful not to make eye contact with any busybodies and avoiding personal human interaction at every turn in favor of just getting what they came there for along with possibility of some brilliant idea or sexual fantasy coming to them in the course of a wandering daydream.
Unfortunately, even at a place like Target, I tend to come off as way too weird of a dude to get away with going to the same place more than once and expecting to still be treated like an anonymous face in the lonely crowd…even by some 16 year old Mexican cashier who is busy sexting pictures with spanglish captions to the young men in her life while ringing me up:
“So sorry I forget your name.You want your usual? small diet coke?”
“Yes, please.. and thank you very much. “
Tags: 70's game show hosts, 70's sitcoms, 90210, anonymity, brandon, brandon walsh, corporate empires, falling down, jason priestley, mega corporations, starbucks, target, the courtship of eddie's father, the flame and the flower, the name brandon, transnational corporations, walmart, whammy burger
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February 2, 2010 by brandon adamson
Cavedweller
On my mind
in my sights
out of touch,
out of time-
warp this world…
out of mine
G:”I’m going to the Phoenix Show tonight cause I have tickets. What are you doing later?”
B:”The Phoenix Show, everyone keeps talking about it. What is that like the Phoenix Lights?”
G:”Ha the band duh”
B:”Never heard of it. Order of The Phoenix..that’s a Harry Potter though I think”
G:”"I saw it, but I’m at Marquee seeing the band”
Tags: buck rogers, cavedweller, caveman, harry potter, order of the phoenix, out of touch, poetry, popular music, the marquee, the phoenix, the phoenix lights, underdwellers
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February 2, 2010 by brandon adamson
Someone posted this on the ModernPhoenix.net forums:
They finally get it… SPACES by Shea Homes
http://spacesforlife.net/
It only took a crash and burn of the real estate market for the mass builders to realize that something had to change…
Kudos to Shea Homes for taking a new approach to tract building. Opens this weekend in Gilbert.
To me it is mostly just an example of a builder trying to cash in on current trends and a certain segment of the public’s yearning for good old fashioned quality craftsmanship in a world now made up mostly of mass produced cheap junk. Real estate marketing departments are definitely starting to get it..making use of buzzwords like “modern,” “urban,” and “unique” and by creating a line of homes which gives the appearance of quality construction and architecture. At their core these are still essentially the same cheap stucco homes. Like other mcmansions they take a hodgepodge of popular elements from various styles of architecture, throw them together and voila! In my opinion, as opposed to looking like solid, quality, mcm inspired tract homes, these will just become representative of a time period when modern architecture became popular again, and builders looking to capitalize came up a line of homes that had some modern flair but which lacked many of the actual qualities that made the older homes so desirable. Sort of like when a fashion era comes back, like a virus it’s always in a slightly mutated less appealing form. Perhaps it’s possible that people will become so tired of “urban lofts,” “uber-hip modern” and other cliche slogans that it will lead to a backlash that will pave the way for “cottagy,” “homey,” or “cute and cozy” homes to make a comeback.
Tags: buzzwords, exploitation, mcm, mcmansion, mcmansions, mcmodern, modern architecture, real estate, shea homes, sloganeering, spaces, stucco, tract homes
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January 28, 2010 by brandon adamson
So one day while I was looking at condos online, I ended up stumbling onto a mini-subculture of internet perviness I had previously been completely unaware of. I had been contemplating buying a place at the Mirada Garden condominiums, built in 1962 and converted from apartments in 2008. I put the address of the complex into google,(I do this frequently to see which units are for sale or to obtain any other pertinent information) and the address of the place popped up in a thread of some site where people review prostitutes that post on craigslist and backpage.com. Here is the review I came across which was from a couple years ago before they converted these apartments into condos:
Hey guys just letting everyone know that if you book a session with Pixie or any girl at 1241 e. medlock Villa Marvisa apartments that you will be getting more than you bargained for.
There is a guy (calling himself T-Bone)in one of the locked bedrooms that video and audio tapes every session. He then keeps all the tape cause in case he needs to use them later
Isn’t that great? To think that as recently as 2 years ago there were hobags providing “F/S” and providing “GFE” while a dude name “T-Bone”(who for visualization purposes I’m going to go out on a limb and assume is a black man) hiding in the closet filming all the action. Try to picture that scenario going on in one of these places when you are looking at the condo models on the condo development’s beautifully crafted marketing website http://www.buymirada.com and I can assure you, you will never look at this place the same way again.
Apparently there is an entire forum dedicated to people reviewing their experiences with the local hookers for nearly every metropolitan city in the US. I mean I always knew these sorts of activities went on, but I had no idea that there was such a public network of information about it, all posted openly in graphic detail. Here’s an example of a negative review that should be enough to discourage anyone from partaking in any of this sort of thing:
(spelling errors corrected)
Looks like things are bad.
Found this review on Amy, good thing because I was seriously thinking of setting an appt. With her. She is just my style. Then saw this today:
She will set up an appointment with you. When you get to the room,
She collects the fee & tells you she has to get a condom. Then she leaves the room. I didn’t feel comfortable & got dressed again. 2 thugs came in with a pit bull, they wanted to take my wallet. I was lucky. You may not B. She has since lost her preferred 411 status.
Once I discovered the site I read through a great deal of this stuff, and the most challenging thing by far is figuring out what all the abbreviations stand for. I had to consult UrbanDictionary every other word just to get an idea what it is we’re talking about here. Like what exactly is the “RSG” position, and what is the difference between BBBJ and a plain old BJ? Beats me. GFE is “girlfriend experience.” I do know that one, but what sort of girlfriend experience are they referring to? Is it the kind where you hold hands at the zoo eating ice cream together, or when you’re trying to watch a movie and she won’t stop talking? This should be a crucial price negotiation point when determining whether one would have to pay extra for “GFE” or whether they could instead receive a discount coupon for it. There are many types of GFE, and the devil is in the details of the contract.
I could never actually get involved in all this business though. I’m too much of a germaphobe for one thing. And despite all my horrible relationship experiences and the many comical sexual situations I’ve been in over the years(most recently taking a shower with a girl and forgetting to take my socks off!) I have at least always had a steady pool of at least temporarily willing girlfriends. I would never have had to shell out cold hard cash for my GFE. For of course as most guys know, IRL, GFE can be paid for in far more humiliating ways.
Tags: backpage reviews, craigslist reviews, germaphobe, gfe, girlfriend experience, internet subculture, mirada, mirada condo, mirada condos, pit bulls, rsg, urban dictionary, villa marvisa
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January 27, 2010 by brandon adamson
Something amazing happened a couple of weeks ago while I was in Las Vegas for the CES show. As I was lying in my hotel room one night watching tv at the mid-tier “Flamingo” establishment located on the strip, somewhere deep in my mind I began to of all things… develop a bizarre crush. It happened when the hokey local newscasters put a picture up on the screen of Lady Gaga at the CES show. They did it presumably to make light of her (in their view) preposterous hairdo and bold fashion statement…comparing her on the air to a peacock or some suck creature( by far not the worst animal for a girl to be compared to.)
To me though she seemed beautiful, a larger than life figure wrapped up into a little Tootsie Roll Pop package. If we lived in a monarchy she would be fit to be queen. She kind of reminds me of a comic book super hero(or villainess) sort of like a younger version of Monica Vitti(“there is a sting in my tail!”) as she starred in the 1966 classic “Modesty Blaise,” an all time favorite of mine.
Anyhow, since that moment when she showed up on my screen, I have been all sorts of romantic non-pervy daydreams about her. This sort of thing is reminiscent of the time I developed an innocent yet major crush on the video game character “Rydia” from Final Fantasy II for Super Nintendo some years ago…or harkens back to the days of E/N when I developed a superficially romantic interest in the legendary camgirl “Charisma” of the long defunct Charismama.com.
But here I find myself all over again in 2010 with Lady Gaga. And yes I realize that in many a sense she’s the antithesis of a dude like me. A great singer for one, she’s a product of the world of catchy overproduced pop run through computers and set to a backdrop of oozing sexuality and “what will she do next?” sellout show hobaggery. A bisexual icon of the gay community(some even claim she’s a hermaphrodite,) Lady Gaga actually admires Ellen Degeneres and is by all accounts your average hardcore east coast liberal celeb example of the parallel track modern day America is on with the Fall of the Roman Empire. I probably have more in common with Charles Manson than Lady Gaga, for as Charles and I would both say “Man, I don’t live in that world.”
But here’s the thing, I don’t care.
I like Lady Gaga anyway. She’s awesome. And there is always a subtle underlying romance that occurs in a story between the archetype romantic male hero and his arch enemy, the sadistic femme fatale….or between the feminist female heroine and the creepy criminal mastermind(depending on your point of reference.)
I can say right now though, at this moment, with barely a hint of understated sarcasm in my voice …that I am in love with Lady Gaga! Let there be no doubt she is the undisputed epitome of female perfection!
Tags: archetype romantic hero, camgirls, CES, ces 2010, ces show, charisma, charismama, charismama.com, charles manson, classic entries, e/n, ellen degeneres, fall of the roman empire, female perfection, final fantasy 2, final fantasy II, final fantasy IV, flamingo, gay icon, hermaphrodite, hobaggery, lady gaga, modern day america, modesty blaise, monarchy, monica vitti, once twice three times a lady, oozing sexuality, overproduced pop, peacocks, polaroid, romance, rydia, tootsie roll pop
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January 27, 2010 by brandon adamson
Waiters always seem to come over to my table and ask “how is everything?” right when I have a huge mouthful of food and can’t answer them. So uncomfortable….
Tags: pointless, recluse, socially awkward, waiters
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January 26, 2010 by brandon adamson
“Excuse me sir, will you be checking any luggage?”
“No, just a carry on…I don’t have any real baggage,
only a chip on my shoulder that I take everywhere I go”
“Oh I’m sorry sir, we can’t let you through security with that…it makes you seem too creepy to the other passengers and it will make them uncomfortable, the females especially.”
“Well why should I be punished for someone else being unable to distinguish between my nonexistent yet perceived creepiness via the chip on my shoulder along with my well documented peter pan syndrome(and possibly undiagnosed asbergers some would say) vs. the all too real trauma and tomfoolery soon to be unleashed upon their unsuspecting hearts by actual real life versions of creepy dudes. “
“Sir, that’s not our policy. Nobody cares, and you’re holding up the line. Please move along before I have to call security.”
So one of the great things about going out now is that I hardly recognize anyone. Years ago I had accumulated so many enemies and animosities in social circles that it would make attending a party or going to the bar the equivalent of an unpleasant psychological stress test. I would always have to worry about running into people that I didn’t want to see, avoiding certain areas places and rooms because I had simply accumulated too much baggage. The good news is 99% of those people are long goners, and so I’m in a sense “a free man.” The sense of freedom does not last so long as I’m already beginning to accumulate new baggage. However, I’m not the same person I was back then as I’ve learned to appreciate the humor in such circumstances which balances out some of the anxiety which in turn mitigates what would have once been panic and sheer horror. Seriously. I used to avoid entire regions of the city to not have to run into ex girlfriends. I once referred to downtown Phoenix as “North Vietnam” because a girl I had dated lived there and every once in a while I would get roped into going to the area by a friend for a show at Modified or maybe a trip to Bikini Lounge, and I literally felt like I was deep in enemy territory and could be tortured, sniped, maimed or have to see her at any given moment!
Fast forward to the now.
The trade off is of course that you’re on your own. That person who you used to dread having to small talk with was at least someone you knew, a familiar face and one of your own. At least when you ran into your ex-girlfriend out with a random dude and experienced the humiliation of knowing you couldn’t even get a girl who couldn’t even get that guy…
I mean at least you all watched the same cartoons when you were kids(“High up in the trees we’re the Monchichis, Monchichis!”) and you didn’t feel like some rogue time traveling secret agent here to spy from another generation.
Now you just stand there all creepylike and like a vampire hoping to use your acquired powers of charm to suck the youth out of someone to keep you feeling young a while longer. That reminds me, I’ve often wondered if vampires would have trouble getting served alcohol since they live so long that bartenders would not believe their IDs were valid.
“Sorry pal, but you don’t look 720 years old to me!”
The trade off is one I accept of course. Getting in the mix and making friends with the new crocodiles is all part of the deal. No excess baggage, just what I can carry on.
Tags: airport security, baggage, bikini lounge, chip on my shoulder, classic entries, creepiness, creepy, downtownn phoenix, emotional baggage, excess baggage, modified arts, monhichis, peter pan syndrome, vampire, vampires
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