I started up a new magazine. I have a couple of other writers but need a few more before it really gets going. There’s not much to check out yet, but check it out….
So for like the 5th time in the last two years, I was attacked by birds. I really don’t know what is up with them. For my whole life they have never bothered me, and I’ve done a few hundred thousand miles worth of walking around in my day. This is only a recent phenomenon. I’ve read up on all the reasons, such as them having babies in the nest, etc. Still, this only seems to happen to certain people. A few days ago I was taking a stroll down Ash in Tempe when out of nowhere some modern day pterodactyls(mockingbirds?) started divebombing me. They took turns coming at me from all different directions. Luckily I managed to deflect their attacks using my iPad as a shield. I escaped without getting as much as a scratch. My own theory is that they think the bill of my hat is some kind of “beak” and that I’m a type of predatory bird looking to eat up their young ones. Little do they know I’m just wandering around daydreaming about Battlestar Galactica, and I would never even think to hurt a bird at this stage in my life. In fact I always stop to hang out with the duck family at the canal, and we get along just fine. One thing I noticed is that the attacking birds get more aggressive if you run away. You’ve got to hang in there and at least pretend to fight. As birds slowly realize that humans are pussies minus their tools which destroy animals’ respective natural habitats, we will all be bird food.
I wrote this piece for Takimag a while back. It’s about how narcissism is underrated or something:
I don’t agree with the things Sterling said. He seems like just an insecure and crotchety old man. I think it’s scary that private thoughts are being used to destroy people. It’s why more and more of us are hunkering down in private groups to have frank discussions. I think it’s funny that this guy was banned from the NBA for life for his private opinions which harm no one, and yet there are full on violent criminals playing(or that have played) in the NBA. I remember when Dennis Rodman kicked an innocent photographer in the actual nuts, and the guy got taken out on a stretcher. I think Rodman got suspended for like a few games. There’s also frequent brawling and trash talking in professional sports. Are unpleasant thoughts and phrases to be punished more severely than physical violence? Apparently they are. You can say something as nasty as you like, so long as it is not tinged with any negativity toward a designated victim group. We live in insane times.
Also…am I the only one who thinks his girlfriend(or whatever) kind of looks like a tranny? I know she’s not, but if she was that would really be the icing on the cake in this bizarre story.
I love going to a bar and swiping people on Tinder while I’m at the bar instead of just actually meeting and talking to people while I’m there. It reminds me of when I was a kid we would go camping and bring Nintendo along and end up exploring the overworld of a video game instead of actually going out in the woods. Anyways…
So I had a strange dream a couple nights ago(and no this isn’t one of those escort review posts where the guy says “I had a dream I visited Pixie last night” in order to give himself legal cover for soliciting a prostitute.) Anyway, the dream was basically that I went on some kind of bizarre crime spree, where I kidnapped an adult girl(who later became a friend,) didn’t do anything to her and basically cruised around running from the cops. Eventually, I realized I’d had enough and decided to come home, though my “home” was some kind of hotel room in the downtown area of an unrecognized city(is this Grand Theft Auto? Where’s Niko B?) When I got there I laid down to rest for a few minutes and someone from the FBI came in to question me. I had been wondering why no one was there waiting when I got there. I was expecting him to haul me off right away, but he didn’t. He said, “the more knowledgeable I become the more concerned I am.” It was then that I realized that he wasn’t interested in any of the actual crimes I had committed. He was talking about my thoughts and actual data that he had accumulated on them. At that point, I abruptly woke up…disappointed the dream was over when it was about to get very interesting. I wish I could remember more, but that’s all I got.