So I have to tell this story about what happened today. I have the hugest crush on this girl that works at Juicy Couture. I first saw her yesterday when we were waiting in line together at the Starbucks at Fashion Square mall. She’s kinda short and Scottsdale blond, wears all black. She just has that typical 20 year old Scottsdale look. Nothing special in that something special kind of way. I wanted to talk to her really badly, but I didn’t want to be that annoying cocky guy who strikes up a transparently pointless conversation. It’s painful to watch when I see jocks, old guys, or obnoxious bros do it and so I don’t do it, period. Anyway, so today just for the hell of it, I decide to go in Juicy Couture because I want to look at some of the jewelry and stuff even though I would have no one to give it to. Anyway, I walk in and it turns out this girl works there. Out of nowhere, she’s like “Can I help you find something” which she says in the most flirtatious way possible. So I decided to pretend to be interested in purchasing something and just see what would happen. I was all nervous and discombobulated. She even did the whole “Can I take something out for you?” It started to remind me of that scene from Christmas Vacation where Chevy Chase ends up looking at women’s underwear in the department store. Here is his exchange with the shopgirl:
Mary: “Can I show you something?”
Clark: “Ah. I was just smelling – smiling. I was just blouse – browsing. “
Mary: “For your wife or your girlfriend?”
Clark: “What? What happened? Whoof! I guess it wouldn’t be any… Whoa! It wouldn’t be the christmas shopping season if the stores were any less hooter than – hotter than they are. Whoo! It is warm in here.”
Mary: “Well, you have your coat on.”
Clark: “Oh, do I? How did that happen?”
Mary: “Because, it’s cold out.”
Clark: “Yes, it’s a bit nipply out. I mean nippy out. (laughs) What did I say, nipple? Ah, there is a nip in the air though.”
Mary: “Can I take something out for you?”
Clark: “(laughs) I was just looking at something for my wife, god rest her soul.”
Mary: “Oh god, I’m so sorry.”
Clark: “Oh no no no, she’s not dead. We’re just divorced. She’s history. And, obviously she doesn’t wear underwear. And, there are plenty of shopping days left until aduteries – adulthood – which is to say christmas, as in yule, yule log. Not a log, I don’t have a log. I mean you know. If I had a log, not in the sense that you think I said I did. (laughs) Good golly. Tis the season to be merry.”
Mary: “That’s my name.”
Clark: “No Shit?!”
So anyhow, I didn’t want to stop talking to her, and for once I could tell that she liked me. I wanted to prolong the flirtation of the century for as long as possible….and like I ended up actually buying this sort of expensive necklace. And at first my plan was to be like “Hey, you know what I was going to buy this for someone but I don’t think she’d really appreciate it so How about if I just give it to you.” But I didn’t want to embarrass her or anything so I chickened out. Also, it was so quiet and there were a few other girls working there, you could have heard a pin drop. It would have been the most awkward thing. Not to mention things were going so well I didn’t want to blow it by doing something totally outlandish…and I have blown it many times before. But I didn’t want to disappoint her so I had to get something that would make her think “wow good choice,” and I think I was successful because while she thought I wasn’t looking, she looked in the box at the necklace I got and smiled at it.
So now I’m stuck with this necklace from Juicy Couture. It’s like that episode from Flight of the Conchords Season 2 where Bret likes the girl who works at the pet store, but rather than just ask her out, he just keeps going there and buying goldfish until the apartment is just filled with them. And I can’t even really give the necklace to another girl because a: there isn’t one and b: if I did try to give it to another girl then someday she would read this and get pissed off, because she would realize it wasn’t meant for her but instead was intended to be for the Juicy Couture shopgirl whose name I only know because they annoyingly call out people’s first names at Starbucks.
<3 !!!
Tags: bret, bros, chevy chase, christmas vacation, classic entries, fashion square, fashion square mall, flight of the conchords, flirting, fotc, goldfish, juicy couture, necklace, scottsdale, shopgirls, starbucks
March 11, 2010 at 9:38 pm |
SO, if you still like this girl, here’s what to do. Have your sister, aunt or some other related female come in to the store with you, wearing the necklace you bought. (On a day while this girl is working, of course). Then have your relative rave to the saleshirl about the wonderful necklace you gave her as a gift. She should mention that she loved it so much that she wanted to buy her friend something just as special. She might also mention to the salesgirl, while you are looking away, that you, Brandon, were so thoughtful, etc. Then, if the girl seems to react positively at the mention of your thoughtfulness tell her thanks for helping you choose the gift, that without the expert assistance you would have been lost for a good gift idea. If the girl is still smiling, invite her for coffee sometime.