Posts Tagged ‘childhood trauma’

rectangles and clouds

June 13, 2010

It was a beautiful overcast for much of the day, complete with a juicy humidity. These days are few and far between in the land of Phoenicia and thus are much appreciated. I spent much of the afternoon painting a 30×40 canvas while watching “Caprice” on dvd. I can’t decide if I’m happy with it or if I still need to something. It looks somewhat empty…but then I like empty, modern paintings. I always hate when you see a nice mod painting, and the person has added on some sort of paper mache lettering or figurines to it.

Last night I went out but it wasn’t all that memorable. Just hung out with Jonathan and Bill(switching off of course.) Jonathan was helping some broad he was hanging out with try to come up with ideas for theme parties. My only good idea was that someone should have a civil war theme party, and you could dress up like union and confederate soldiers or slaves or even Abe Lincoln, Jefferson Davis, Harriet Tubman etc

One thing that I was reminded of by my other entry regarding the glow in the dark oujia board is when I was a kid, my mom and I used to use it pretty frequently by ourselves in our big old house which was built in 1896(kinda weird I know.) Anyway,
the Ouija board said she was going to die of colon cancer at age 46, and this was very traumatizing for me. I remember being so sad, and when we went to see Fletch Lives and then Beaches in the movie theater on the same day I was depressed for the duration of both films(Beaches especially obviously.) So we had these long Ouija board sessions, and I believed they were real. Years later my mom revealed me she had been moving it the whole time….which then led me to wonder why she would move it so as to have it say such horrific and emotionally distressing things to her young child…hmmm. Pretty creepy either way.

childhood trauma

June 4, 2010

Here is a note I found in my closet, which I wrote to my grandparents
when they moved away in 1986:

when a body catch a body

February 27, 2010

My friend Steven Christopher Wallace texted me today to tell me he had finally watched one of my favorite movies, “To Live and Die in L.A.” which he had never seen before due to extreme procrastination. The conversation brought on one of my childhood flashbacks. I remember in perhaps 1986, as a wide eyed, jean jacket wearing, mirror tinted sunglasses sporting, prepubescent 80′s kid, that one of the only times I ever bonded with my stepdad was one afternoon we sat on the couch and watched “To Live and Die in LA” in its entirety followed by a basketball game(the Chicago Bulls vs. someone.) It is one of the few memories I have of being a child where there was not some sort of anxiety or childhood trauma involved. And I use the word “trauma” loosely as in from the perspective of a child. Getting grounded no TV for a week for sneaking your football back from the 3rd grade teacher who unjustly took it from you…or having to sleep with the lights out with a talking Pee Wee Herman doll visible in your room is traumatic to a kid.

Speaking of the 80′s, whenever I hear popular 80′s songs I am reminded of how I comically misheard the lyrics to many of them:

Take for example the chorus of Madonna’s “Material Girl” which I heard many times being dragged shopping with my Dynasty era, diet pepsi drinking 80′s mom. Waiting hours and hours while my mother spent ungodly amounts of time browsing and trying on shoulder padded clothing and pantyhose at fashionation (a hip 80′s clothing store not to be confused with the porno boutique chain “fascinations”)

“everybody’s living in a material world, and i am a material girl”

is how it went, but I mistook the lyrics for:

“cause everybody’s living in a cereal world, and I am in a cereal bowl”

And I REALLY thought those were the words to the song.

another fine example was how I thought the song “The Heat is On” was really “Peter’s Uncle” (I had a friend named Peter, though why someone would be writing a song about his uncle and it subsequently playing on nationally syndicated radio was outside the bb gun scope of my logic at the time)

I still remember the disappointment while riding in a truck when I told my own uncle how “I really like that song that just played, “Peter’s Uncle” only to have him get briefly confused, laugh and then tell me “that’s not Peter’s Uncle” it’s “The Heat is on.”

And so it is. In the real world of material girls, here I am a serial boy, in a cereal bowl, living in a cereal world…kind of explains a lot. I’ve often wondered if I was perhaps the ONLY person out of the millions who heard these songs to interpret the lyrics in this fashion.

up to no good

February 15, 2010

Tweens are such horrible people. While I was in the food court eating my hummus with one extra pita, I could overhear a bunch of rambunctious, middle school aged kids horsing around at a table nearby. They were having one of those crude discussions
about various schoolyard fights that had taken place
“who fucked up whose shit more” and what have you.

“Remember when so and so fought whatchamacalit(sp?) and the result was such and such”

Anyways, one of them spotted an overweight, bookwormish, sort of homely classmate of theirs and they started calling out to him “Brandon! Brandon!” This is coincidentally what made me take notice of the situation as I heard my own name being called- whereby my first thought was ‘how the F do these kids know who I am?’

Sooo..the kid was wearing headphones like every other iPlod out there, and so he didn’t hear or notice their cat calls (which got louder and louder.) One of the heathens then sneaked up behind him and taunted the poor dude before jumping out and scaring him. The two of them exchanged a couple of inaudible little league insults and pushed and shoved each other a few times before calling it quits and heading off in opposite directions.

An oblivious lady came up to their table and asked if she could use one of the kids’ cellphones so she could call her husband. At first I was relieved that she didn’t come up to me, but listening to her talk to these kids “ohh thank you so much!” etc. she thought these children of satan were perfect little angels.

Boys can be such dickheads, though I must say that there were girls at that table too who seemed fairly complicit in their foul mouthed shenanigans. Innocent bystanders they were not.

Anyhow, it made me think back to all the cruel things I had done at that age: picking on the new kid, talking shit about someone to make myself seem cooler and be accepted by the group, selling people out, making fun of kids for things they had little or no control over, complete insensitivity. I would give specific examples, but my mind has worked hard to shield me from these sorts of childhood traumatic memories so I don’t care to bring them up now. I can only pray that those that I wronged in ancient recess times have long since forgotten these things the way girls often are able to forget that they’ve made out with me.

It’s sort of reminiscent of that episode of “The Wonder Years” where Kevin is on the yearbook staff and he comes up with those insensitive taglines for people’s yearbook photos like “let’s eat” and “oink oink”(in reference to a friendly overweight student.)

Or also that infamous scene from Flatliners with Kiefer Sutherland and the boy in the tree. “I’m gonna get you Billy Mahoney!”

I wish I could go back in time and be a nicer kid. Some of the people I used to act like I was so much better than(because of my own insecurities) were actually quite wonderful and interesting kids who were probably operating at a much higher level of maturity than I ever recognized at the time.

Just as in a man’s dog eat dog world one has to do unpleasant things to survive, so do those kids living in a brat’s world do what they think they have to. Oh the years we spend agonizing over the guilt of such things afterward. I’m not sure whatever actions which we benefited from in some small cheap way at the time were worthwhile.

When you start to imagine the reactions of the parents of kids you’ve made fun of, the same parents who love these children with their whole hearts and think the world of them, such thoughts may begin to haunt you for a long time…as they have me.

I’m running out of room to room in my room

July 23, 2009

The operative word being “room.” I need more of it. Need less stuff in it. I need to clean it. I have tons of clothes that I want to get rid of, but of course it’s all jackets and stuff so I can’t sell it this time of year. I think I will just donate it all or something.

I keep thinking I should buy a place, but it’s like then I would just be trapped there. I swear for such a reclusive guy who never really goes anywhere, I sure like to keep my options open. I don’t know, but I’ve saved up to buy cars and stuff before, where after I bought it I was like, “I wish I didn’t just buy that. I wish I could go back in time and tell myself not to buy that because I will need the money for something else.” So maybe I’m just learning from past mistakes. Aldous Huxley said “Experience teaches only the teachable.” Perhaps in the future time travel is possible, but only in a “psionic” sense whereby brainwaves and thoughts can travel, but not actual humans…and it’s my future self attempting to create an alternate time line. Doubtful, for if that were the case, I would have(will have?) gone back a lot further. It’s hard to pinpoint where my life started going downhill, but every time I think I have it figured out when it happened, I remember something traumatic which happened before that, and then before that and so on. I’m pretty sure everything was a-okay until age 4 though. I can’t remember anything negative before then. Wait, actually I can. My earliest childhood memory in fact is of my parents screaming at one another before they got divorced.

from prefix to suffix

March 17, 2007

Nobody cares, but on the off chance you’re at least curious, then you’re probably wondering where I’ve been and why I dropped off the face of the earth for the past month or so. The answer could only be that,….  I’ve been hanging out with an amazing girl.

 On our first date we went to the airport just to hang out and ended up staying there 7 hours. That’s right I finally got to go on my airport date that I’ve talking about for years. You know, where you go shopping at the airport, eat dinner at the airport, look at the museum exhibits at the airport etc. Later that week, I took the day off and we spent the entire day at the zoo, where we managed to see every single animal exhibit. The otters are the best because you can call them over and they will really come right up to you. In the petting zoo section there is an old pony who the sign says was brought there in like, 1970. He just stands there, and looks so bummed out. It makes you feel so sad but you just have to love him. I couldn’t even believe she still liked me after spending the night and then seeing me all day in the broad daylight at the zoo in the sun and everything.
We went to the science center to see the human bodies exhibit. Really, the most interesting part was reading the comments people left in the guestbook they had there. People writing stuff like “deez nuts”, religious diatribes, eye opening new versions of the english language, commonly misspelled words abound, with a few clever remarks few and far between. We also thought the actual science center itself was more fun, with all the interactive stuff. Like they have this really cold bar and it hurts to hold it, but you’re supposed to use your imagination to make yourself less aware of the pain. It made me think about how children are so cruel, like if they had that when I was a kid everyone would have ganged up on some poor sap and made him hold the bar until he cried. It could have even happened to me.

We went to see the movie “300″, which marked my long awaited, triumphant return to seeing movies in the theater(I always told people I hadn’t gone to see one since “The Princess Diaries” 2001 even though I did see like two others since then). The movie “300″ is quite possibly the most incredible thing I have ever seen on a screen, and represents a proverbial “nail in the coffin” in the deplorable inevitable merger of movies and video games that’s been going on over the past few years. Note that I use the term “incredible”, in a negative sense here, more as a synonym for outrageous. I did enjoy it though, in a “pop art” sort of way. I mean, what a spectacle! And I will always have a soft spot for this movie just because I will associate it with a good memory. 

Anyhow, I met this girl because she used to work at a store that I would frequent quite often, and I would talk to her sometimes, like any other girl anywhere I go. She told me that thought I was “Holden Caulfied come to life”. I hadn’t read the Catcher in the Rye since like 8th grade, and even then I probably didn’t read it thoroughly since it was just for school. I reread it though after she said that to see what all the hullabaloo was about. She stopped working there before I could ever get her number and I never saw her again. She doesn’t even have a myspace.

I asked about her one time though, and after that her friends would always offer to give me her phone number, but I didn’t take it because I didn’t want to be blow it. Finally I accepted it though anyway, and I waited almost three weeks before sending her a text message. Strangely she knew who it was immediately even though a few months had gone by.

I gave her the whole laundry list of girls’ grievances against me and al known faults up front. And I explained how I was really just a house of cards, just a painting of a person basically, good for nothing and all of that.

I think I’ve learned a lot of lessons from my past mistakes with girls. Yet I’m not so naive as to not realize that with a new girl there are new mistakes to be made yet to be discovered, that I have not made before.

She doesn’t really like to go out. When we do go out it’s not “like that”. It’s always something different. She really likes to read, and we sit around and read those “Choose Your Own Adventure” books together. We each take turns reading aloud, and then discuss the choices until we agree which one to choose.

I don’t think I’ve hung out with anyone else but her for the last month, other than just to go get food or something with Jaymz or Steve. I don’t really have too many illusions about it working out or not. I don’t care really, as I’d still take being great friends with her over dating most of the hobags I know. She seems to think though that it’s going to one of those rare occasions I always talk about where I get to be the one who ends it, the winner.
So I’m pretty much “off the chopping block” or whatever until further notice.


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