Things are so weird from every direction. I think this summer made me go crazy, but in a good way, in like a “take the world by storm” kind of way. My mind feels like it’s in a million places at once. It’s only a matter of time and luck, of which I have neither. Had a misunderstanding with a friend that turned out to be the most bizarre and abstract “endship” I’ve ever had. I’m confident that eventually she’ll come to her senses and realize I’m not such an asshole. I’m just kind of well, you know…an asshole. There really is a difference.
The Warhol Diaries really is the best book right now. I read it all the time. I wish it went on forever, but instead I just have to read it over and over:
Saturday, September 30, 1978
And you know, I was thinking the other day about commercial movies and then all the great art movies, and I’ve decided something: Commercial things really do stink. As soon as it becomes commercial for a mass market it really stinks. I know I always rave and say my favorite movies are things like The Other Side of Midnight and The Betsy, but I guess I’m going to change my tune. You have to do stuff that average people don’t understand, because those are the only good things. And even though the arty foreign movies are boring to sit through, at least they try to do creative things. So I’m going to start going to the New Yorker and seeing strange movies again.
Abe and I talked about getting a place together in October, which probably means we’ll be enemies at some point in the future and then friends again etc. The house I live in now is great, but kind of inconvenient location. I wish there were more artists in Phoenix, and I don’t mean those hip hop artists. Want nothing to do with that crowd. I even try to block out of my mind that entire culture. Everyone here’s just so normal, or not interested in doing anything interesting. This place and its people are ruled by conventional wisdom.
There’s a party on Friday. Beth’s birthday party. Seems like everyone hated each other so much they don’t even hate each other anymore. Like gossip and talking shit are just completely acceptable now and I think that’s great. Rogue on saturday. I think I’ve discovered that I fair better when I fly on my own when I go out. It’s because I’m always down for anything once it’s after dark, and I just go with the flow. I end up in the most random, sometimes comically perverse situations. When I go with another person, they’re always like “well I kind of just want to go home”. They don’t dance or anything. I think my dream dance is for there to be a really good song playing, but nobody is dancing except me and one other girl, a great plain looking beauty. And we just dance anyway and we don’t give a shit about anything, or what all the ignorant hicks in the place think. But always, when I’m with a girl they’re just like “I don’t want to be the only ones dancing, let’s wait til there’s more people blah blah”. One thing I always think about while I’m at a party or a club or dancing, i think of the past. I think of people who were part of these various partying eras and social circles throughout history, and how they all look so young and invincible in their day, and then so many died of drug use or from horrible diseases. It’s just a side effect from reading about so many dead artists, and celebrities. All dead. I look at people and think, will all these people be dead in five years or find out they have some serious medical problem?
The future will be so creepy when so many of us are dead, but our websites, myspace pages and journals and things will still be up because no one will know the passwords to delete them and they will just haunt for a long time. These are the things I think about on the dance floor(!) You may even be a person reading this someday after I’m dead, and thinking to yourself “wow he wrote this, and now he’s dead.”
Anyways, I’m still the same old misunderstood Brandon, fun when alone, quiet, bored and daydreamy in a group, and happiest when with one other person doing boring things.
I don’t know what to do, but who cares. I just love it when the phone rings, or plays some “muzak” or vibrates since phones don’t really “ring” anymore in the traditional sense. See you all around
NOTHING’S CHANGED (The Zombies)
It’s a mistake going back
They tell me that nothing’s the same ever again
But when you walked through the door
It was just like before
Oh nothin’s changed, no
When I saw you again, little girl
Something stopped here inside & I wanted to hold you
& tell you I loved you just like before
This is just one day, but one day is enough to start all over again
Give me just one day & we will begin all over again
You didn’t mean to hurt me before, but you did, you did
But now you’re sorry now, I know
Oh you’re sorry, I can see
‘Cause when you saw me again
You smiled at me then
Like nothing’s changed, no
It’s gonna be easy this time, I know, I know
Come on, just try me one more time
I know it’s gonna work out just fine
Start all over, start all over again