bedtime story

So after two weeks of living in my new house i finally was able to go and get my bed. I could not get anyone with a truck to help me move the rest of my stuff so i had to do it all macgyver style on top of the CRX. Picture a gihugic bed and shelves on top of a tiny car with me in it. Keep in mind, I was forced to drive very gingerly since i had nothing in the way of rope to secure these things to the top of my car with. Everything went smoothly. The operation was a success

It wasn’t always this easy you know….. A few years ago, i couldn’t get anyone to help me move my bed from my West Hollywood apartment. Typically you can’t expect much in the way of concrete favors from most “Grade A” L.A. flakes, so i took matters into my own hands and came up with the brilliant idea to push my bed down Santa Monica blvd(it had those little wheels on the bottom). After all, i only had to go about 12 blocks, right? So after I made it about 50 feet, the whole bed fell apart, with pieces flying everywhere. I spent about a half hour putting it back together as best i could and continued on. After about 4 or 5 hours of this i had made it only 3 blocks. I stopped to rest, because it was really hot outside(it was august), and i was exhausted. While i was standing there catching my breath, a creepy gay black man wearing workout clothes quietly propositioned me. His exact words were “Hey, i got a job for you. I’ll pay you 50 bucks if you let me suck your cock” said in the creepiest black guy voice you can possibly imagine. I told him i wasn’t interested “AT ALL”. He continued to bother me for a while even reducing himself to begging, but i ignored him. At this point i decided i’d had enough so i would just stash my bed somewhere in a parking garage for the time being and figure out a way to get it later. It was getting dark, so i made my way back to my apartment only to find my crazy Iranian landlord had locked me out of my apartment (the same jerk who the day i moved in to the shithole showed me to the door of my place and said “hahaha lukes like you’re going to have to clean thees place opp”). Anyways, so i was locked out, and i needed the rest of my stuff cause Kristin Cook(god bless her soul) was coming over to help me move my clothes and stuff. So i climbed up some treacherous terrain and broke in through the bathroom window. This was the teeny tiniest window in the world and even my 28 inch waste ass barely made it in. When i got in i grabbed the shower rod which broke off and i took a nasty fall face first and smashed my chin on the bathroom sink. The angle at which i fell and the way i fell was so awkward and hard that at first i absolutely couldn’t believe i didn’t break my neck. I mean I literally sat there for a minute in complete amazement that I wasn’t dead. Blood started running from my chin and various other parts of my body. Then i could hear the landlord coming so i shut off all the lights and hid (something which had become second nature since i often was late paying rent). He came towards the apartment but then just went away luckily. I had just enough time to move my stuff out before he came back. Kristin and Brook showed up and we threw everything in her car and got the rock out of there, and they took me to defacto where i was unaware a whole new chapter of pain was about to begin… As for my bed? i went back for it the next day, and it was gone. It was all for nothing! There you have it, my luck, my life, in a microcosm!

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