Guard well this shield. For one day it will guard your life

I attempted to clean out my room today, but about 15 minutes into it…I discovered The Zombies greatest hits cd that Brandie(an infamous ex from several years back who later became a reliable if completely invisible friend) gave me for Christmas in 2004. And so of course I got sidetracked and ended up dancing on my bed in my underwear(and an American Apparel tanktop) for about 45 minutes. I kind of wish I would have gotten it on video, but then again I kind of don’t. Lately my days are filled with such shenanigans. I conduct almost all my important art related business from my cellphone on the roof of the parking garage at Fashion Square Mall. A lot of Scottsdale girls walk by and either smile or scowl at me, but as of yet no one as ever bothered to ask me what the fuck I’m doing there.

Yesterday, I helped Jonathan put up his posters and promote his album. There was one that needed to be placed in a prominent position on Mill Ave, but he was too scared to put it up there because there are usually bike cops everywhere and he was afraid of getting fined…so I decided to run for it and just tape that sucker up, but before I did I quoted Laurence Olivier from Clash of the Titans(1981 version) and said “Fortune is ally to the brave.” It’s a quote that always seems to jump in my mind in critical moments of decision making or hesitation. I’m almost always the designated person who has to go up to a group of girls cold and talk to them, and pave the way for my friends. I will find any excuse to talk to them, and if I do not have one i will simply make something up. Life is too short to care about what some girl thinks of you, and most of the ones you meet turn out to be dumb as bags of hammers anyway. At best they tend to be unimaginitive and uninspiring. Not all of them though, and of course some of them, the most dangerous ones…you do care what they think. And so bravery does not come without wounds and battle scars.

But anyway, back to COTT. I had a Clash of the Titans lunchbox when I was a kid. That movie, like many others from when I was a child, became and archetype for the way I felt relationships and love should be….which of course causes a lot of problems. That’s how I always imagined it’s supposed to be, Perseus and Andromeda. Just solve the riddle, vanquish Calibos(who represents problem exes who make trouble or just scumbag competition), cut off Medusa’s head and defeat the Kraken, and the beautiful princess is yours. If only it could be that easy in real life, where you can just go on a quest and destroy some mythical beasts and walk away with the girl! Somebody lend me a helmet, a sword, a shield! I’m ready for anything, anything except the all too familiar experience of females analyzing every given suitor to death. There is nothing harder than having to shield my heart from the analytical superpowers of those few supremely likable females. I would rather do battle with cyclops’ and swordfight with skeleton kings. But I do what I must, because I am eternally courageous, which is often merely a euphemism for foolish.

The Antimatter Formula

Somewhere south, where it is colder,
Where that which falls stays where it is,
You’ll find what isn’t what it is.

riddle from “The Forbidden Castle” by Edward Packard

And so we face the specter of summer on the horizon, and with it comes the maze of decisions, pursuits, personal equations to solve, ambitions to fulfill, and survival above all. None of it is easy of course. To make matters more dicey, the possibility always lurking out there…one false move and you’re dead, falling victim to the breath of fire of some mythical dragon or the jaws of life which fail to bite quickly enough in the event of a car crash… or merely an unforeseen health issue that rears it’s ugly head. Just like that…like so many others who never see what hit them, their Facebook and Myspace pages frozen in time with their final banal status updates….or in the case of this blog some token entry of subtle misogyny, potential xenophobia, and narcissistic babbling.

But let us not speak of the dangers today, for it is in the back of the mind where these things belong. The question of parallel universes and our decisions which lead us to the one we’re in, is one we cannot dwell upon. Like branches of a tree, a new timeline is formed, an alternate reality is created with each choice we make…“If you decide to stick it out with the ex, turn to page 42… if you think you’ve tried enough and would rather give something else a shot turn to page 11.” Always, the goal is to find the longest, most fulfilling adventure possible…within the options presented to you. And we must choose wisely, because we are technologically incapable of going back, and we can never meet ourselves, nor visit the worlds which may or may not exist in which we made the other choice, hit or miss.

There’s a page somewhere where we’re holding hands and petting the giraffes(I need to get there!) In some other world perhaps we never crossed paths, a misplaced minute or two, a hesitating caution or hasty impatience could have made all the difference.

As a teeth-clenching Charton Heston wondered in Planet of the Apes(1968 version) “Where in the hell do we go from here?”

lonely are the brave

I’ve decided that I can only like girls that are ballsy, and by that I don’t mean transvestite or even tomboyish, but basically you know….just bold. The best relationships come from taking the wrong chance with the right person. Most people generally take the right chance with the wrong person.


John Kain: what’s it like up there?
Glenn Ross: where?
John Kain: there.
Glenn Ross: lonely.
John Kain: how lonely?
Glenn Ross: same as down here.
John Kain:You mean you have to have someone with you down here, up there?
Glenn Ross:It has to be the right person though, otherwise it makes no difference.
John Kain: No difference.

– Roy Thinnes and Ian Hendry in “Journey to the Far Side of the Sun”

the naming of cats is a difficult matter

Saturday afternoon I decided I needed a new uniform. When you’re not having any luck in the world, you can’t change the world and luck is imaginary…so all you can really do is buy some new clothes and/or shave. I went to American Apparel in Scottsdale, and bought this black longsleeve shirt/sweater which when combined with my black pants and white belt, made me look a bit like a sandman from the 1976 movie “Logan’s Run.” I bought an extra small for the hell of it, but when I got home and tried it on, it was too tight(not to mention hot as balls.) So I didn’t want to go right back to the store and exchange it for a small, because I was just in there, and it would be weird. Not sure why I would get anxiety about that, but I just felt like I would appear “wishy washy” to the cashier people. Like they would give me a look like “there’s something amiss with this dude. He just bought this and now he’s returning it 5 minutes later…what a nutjob.” I mean hey, that’s what I would be thinking. So I decided to go to the Tempe American Apparel and exchange it there…which turned out to be an amazing decision, because I was rung up by the friendliest cashier person I’ve ever encountered. Not since I was in a Casino did a person look so happy to take my money…(or in this case my merchandise for exchange.) When she asked me how my day was going I gave my stock answer of “It sucks” which was true enough and she seemed taken aback by that. These customer service questions can become so routine, that I think people are not prepared when you actually give a somewhat genuine response. “That’s not the answer people usually give” she said. Indeed, and just like that she almost seemed like a friend.

I was in a bad mood most of yesterday because the internet was down, and I had a lot of emails and other crap to tend to. I tried to go to the internet cafe and they were closed! Did they go out of business? I watched “Bullitt” with Steve Mcqueen, which I haven’t seen since about 2002. He’s great in it of course…but I’m not a big fan of realism in movies(unless it’s realism of emotion or humor.) I like movies that leave some things to the imagination. Mainly I think it’s just the “realistic” hospital ER scenes that are a bit too much for a hypochondriac like me to watch. I don’t like to see THAT far into my future.

I took a long nap and woke up rather frantically at midnight, just in time to throw on my new AA sweater and head out to Casey Moore’s. Most people I knew were MIA, but strangely everything fell into place. I took the initiative and met some people I had wanted to know for a long time. After the bar closed, during the outside part.. you know, that time when everyone(mostly dudes) stands around in search of nonexistent afterparties or with the fleeting hopes that something interesting will happen, but it rarely ever does…well in that short period of time I met a girl, who agreed to go with me to meet some friends at a cafe. Only when we started driving, we decided neither of us were hungry(not to mention we didn’t find the place) and so instead we went to 24 hour Walmart(an adventure in itself) and purchased an official NCAA basketball. We then drove to a park in Tempe and played basketball until the sun started to come up. We played three games of PIG, with her winning the first game and me the next two. In reality, we were evenly matched as we both sucked about equally…but we could potentially rule as friends with practice.

Today after a brief stint hanging out at Borders reading Darwin Porter’s unsubstantiated gossip filled, unauthorized biography of Steve McQueen “The King of Cool,” I decided to go back to the Tempe American Apparel and buy another of the exact same sweater I purchased the previous day. Miraculously, the same girl was there to ring me up again. I could tell she thought it was odd I was buying a duplicate of the item I had just bought…”hmm you’re getting another black top” she muttered curiously. But I told her that the other one had turned out to be good luck, and she seemed to understand.

working title

So I’m working on the screenplay for Steven Christopher Wallace’s new feature film. He had a completed script for it, but some of the actors fell out of the project…and so due to my minimal approach to things I’m basically in charge of writing a new story which will require less people. The more tangibly complicated a script becomes, the less practical it is to be able to film without millions of dollars. So I think it’s better to make it more complicated conceptually. The bulk of this film will be shot on 16mm and Super 8. It should run about 90 minutes and is a SAG approved film. I usually don’t pursue working on movie related crap because when people tell you they’re making a movie it’s almost always bullshit that never goes anywhere. BUT Steve’s other film “There May Be Pleasure” screened in London and Milan as well as several other prominent European cities so he has some cred.

Amidst a Misogynist

Amidst a Misogynist Brandon Adamson

In the thick of the mix
of the blitz of awe and beauty of beauties,
we have it would seem
a misogynist amidst.
Every red blooded man has one,
somewhere, perhaps within reason
and his ability to do so…

a sense of hopelessness
tendency toward bitterness
over the missed and the communications landing amiss,

something arising from the self conscious disdain of the self controlled
for those of the emotions uncontrolled,
the battle of the poised versus the noise for the sake of,
locked in a semi-permanent struggle with one another
are the mild temperament and the child temper.

Out on the town,
in the thick of the mix,
underlies this,
the misogynist amidst,
reluctant to relinquish the quest for the kiss
with the potential to vanquish the anguish
so prevalent
amidst the misogynist.