Guard Well This iPad, For One Day…

So for like the 5th time in the last two years, I was attacked by birds. I really don’t know what is up with them. For my whole life they have never bothered me, and I’ve done a few hundred thousand miles worth of walking around in my day. This is only a recent phenomenon. I’ve read up on all the reasons, such as them having babies in the nest, etc. Still, this only seems to happen to certain people. A few days ago I was taking a stroll down Ash in Tempe when out of nowhere some modern day pterodactyls(mockingbirds?) started divebombing me. They took turns coming at me from all different directions. Luckily I managed to deflect their attacks using my iPad as a shield. I escaped without getting as much as a scratch. My own theory is that they think the bill of my hat is some kind of “beak” and that I’m a type of predatory bird looking to eat up their young ones. Little do they know I’m just wandering around daydreaming about Battlestar Galactica, and I would never even think to hurt a bird at this stage in my life. In fact I always stop to hang out with the duck family at the canal, and we get along just fine. One thing I noticed is that the attacking birds get more aggressive if you run away. You’ve got to hang in there and at least pretend to fight. As birds slowly realize that humans are pussies minus their tools which destroy animals’ respective natural habitats, we will all be bird food.


May 21, 2014. Tags: , , , , . Uncategorized. Comments off.

I, Narcissist

I wrote this piece for Takimag a while back. It’s about how narcissism is underrated or something:


Little Selfies on Hogwash Mountain

May 16, 2014. Tags: , , , , , . Uncategorized. Comments off.


I was never afraid to fly until I got older and became more conscious of what was actually going on(that you’re basically in a flimsy bus floating 25000 feet in the air.) Also, the pilots started becoming younger than me…at which point I realized I was trusting my life in a complicated piece of machinery with people who were playing Pokemon a few years ago and that are part of a generation of people whom for the most part can’t differentiate between words like “your” and “you’re.” Finally, the fact that I have flown so many hundreds of times makes me think that my odds of crashing are increasing incrementally with each flight. It’s like some kind of fiery plane crash death lottery that I keep buying scratch lotto tickets for, and one of these days I’m going to “win” it if I keep pushing my luck.

May 10, 2014. Tags: , , , . Uncategorized. Comments off.

Stamped .925 but Sticks to a Magnet!

I don’t agree with the things Sterling said. He seems like just an insecure and crotchety old man. I think it’s scary that private thoughts are being used to destroy people. It’s why more and more of us are hunkering down in private groups to have frank discussions. I think it’s funny that this guy was banned from the NBA for life for his private opinions which harm no one, and yet there are full on violent criminals playing(or that have played) in the NBA. I remember when Dennis Rodman kicked an innocent photographer in the actual nuts, and the guy got taken out on a stretcher. I think Rodman got suspended for like a few games. There’s also frequent brawling and trash talking in professional sports.  Are unpleasant thoughts and phrases to be punished more severely than physical violence? Apparently they are. You can say something as nasty as you like, so long as it is not tinged with any negativity toward a designated victim group. We live in insane times.

Also…am I the only one who thinks his girlfriend(or whatever) kind of looks like a tranny? I know she’s not, but if she was that would really be the icing on the cake in this bizarre story.

May 5, 2014. Tags: , , , . Uncategorized. Comments off.

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