Guard Well This Shield… For One Day It Will Guard Your Life

So for like the 5th time in the last two years, I was attacked by birds. I really don’t know what is up with them. For my whole life they have never bothered me, and I’ve done a few hundred thousand miles worth of walking around in my day. This is only a recent phenomenon. I’ve read up on all the reasons, such as them having babies in the nest, etc. Still, this only seems to happen to certain people. A few days ago I was taking a stroll down Ash in Tempe when out of nowhere some modern day pterodactyls(mockingbirds?) started divebombing me. They took turns coming at me from all different directions. Luckily I managed to deflect their attacks using my iPad as a shield. I escaped without getting as much as a scratch. My own theory is that they think the bill of my hat is some kind of “beak” and that I’m a type of predatory bird looking to eat up their young ones. Little do they know I’m just wandering around daydreaming about Battlestar Galactica, and I would never even think to hurt a bird at this stage in my life. In fact I always stop to hang out with the duck family at the canal, and we get along just fine. One thing I noticed is that the attacking birds get more aggressive if you run away. You’ve got to hang in there and at least pretend to fight. As birds slowly realize that humans are pussies minus their tools which destroy animals’ respective natural habitats, we will all be bird food.

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