Guard well this shield. For one day it will guard your life

I attempted to clean out my room today, but about 15 minutes into it…I discovered The Zombies greatest hits cd that Brandie(an infamous ex from several years back who later became a reliable if completely invisible friend) gave me for Christmas in 2004. And so of course I got sidetracked and ended up dancing on my bed in my underwear(and an American Apparel tanktop) for about 45 minutes. I kind of wish I would have gotten it on video, but then again I kind of don’t. Lately my days are filled with such shenanigans. I conduct almost all my important art related business from my cellphone on the roof of the parking garage at Fashion Square Mall. A lot of Scottsdale girls walk by and either smile or scowl at me, but as of yet no one as ever bothered to ask me what the fuck I’m doing there.

Yesterday, I helped Jonathan put up his posters and promote his album. There was one that needed to be placed in a prominent position on Mill Ave, but he was too scared to put it up there because there are usually bike cops everywhere and he was afraid of getting fined…so I decided to run for it and just tape that sucker up, but before I did I quoted Laurence Olivier from Clash of the Titans(1981 version) and said “Fortune is ally to the brave.” It’s a quote that always seems to jump in my mind in critical moments of decision making or hesitation. I’m almost always the designated person who has to go up to a group of girls cold and talk to them, and pave the way for my friends. I will find any excuse to talk to them, and if I do not have one i will simply make something up. Life is too short to care about what some girl thinks of you, and most of the ones you meet turn out to be dumb as bags of hammers anyway. At best they tend to be unimaginitive and uninspiring. Not all of them though, and of course some of them, the most dangerous ones…you do care what they think. And so bravery does not come without wounds and battle scars.

But anyway, back to COTT. I had a Clash of the Titans lunchbox when I was a kid. That movie, like many others from when I was a child, became and archetype for the way I felt relationships and love should be….which of course causes a lot of problems. That’s how I always imagined it’s supposed to be, Perseus and Andromeda. Just solve the riddle, vanquish Calibos(who represents problem exes who make trouble or just scumbag competition), cut off Medusa’s head and defeat the Kraken, and the beautiful princess is yours. If only it could be that easy in real life, where you can just go on a quest and destroy some mythical beasts and walk away with the girl! Somebody lend me a helmet, a sword, a shield! I’m ready for anything, anything except the all too familiar experience of females analyzing every given suitor to death. There is nothing harder than having to shield my heart from the analytical superpowers of those few supremely likable females. I would rather do battle with cyclops’ and swordfight with skeleton kings. But I do what I must, because I am eternally courageous, which is often merely a euphemism for foolish.

The Antimatter Formula

Somewhere south, where it is colder,
Where that which falls stays where it is,
You’ll find what isn’t what it is.

riddle from “The Forbidden Castle” by Edward Packard

And so we face the specter of summer on the horizon, and with it comes the maze of decisions, pursuits, personal equations to solve, ambitions to fulfill, and survival above all. None of it is easy of course. To make matters more dicey, the possibility always lurking out there…one false move and you’re dead, falling victim to the breath of fire of some mythical dragon or the jaws of life which fail to bite quickly enough in the event of a car crash… or merely an unforeseen health issue that rears it’s ugly head. Just like that…like so many others who never see what hit them, their Facebook and Myspace pages frozen in time with their final banal status updates….or in the case of this blog some token entry of subtle misogyny, potential xenophobia, and narcissistic babbling.

But let us not speak of the dangers today, for it is in the back of the mind where these things belong. The question of parallel universes and our decisions which lead us to the one we’re in, is one we cannot dwell upon. Like branches of a tree, a new timeline is formed, an alternate reality is created with each choice we make…“If you decide to stick it out with the ex, turn to page 42… if you think you’ve tried enough and would rather give something else a shot turn to page 11.” Always, the goal is to find the longest, most fulfilling adventure possible…within the options presented to you. And we must choose wisely, because we are technologically incapable of going back, and we can never meet ourselves, nor visit the worlds which may or may not exist in which we made the other choice, hit or miss.

There’s a page somewhere where we’re holding hands and petting the giraffes(I need to get there!) In some other world perhaps we never crossed paths, a misplaced minute or two, a hesitating caution or hasty impatience could have made all the difference.

As a teeth-clenching Charton Heston wondered in Planet of the Apes(1968 version) “Where in the hell do we go from here?”

lonely are the brave

I’ve decided that I can only like girls that are ballsy, and by that I don’t mean transvestite or even tomboyish, but basically you know….just bold. The best relationships come from taking the wrong chance with the right person. Most people generally take the right chance with the wrong person.


John Kain: what’s it like up there?
Glenn Ross: where?
John Kain: there.
Glenn Ross: lonely.
John Kain: how lonely?
Glenn Ross: same as down here.
John Kain:You mean you have to have someone with you down here, up there?
Glenn Ross:It has to be the right person though, otherwise it makes no difference.
John Kain: No difference.

– Roy Thinnes and Ian Hendry in “Journey to the Far Side of the Sun”