So my old pal Dawn Batson rolled into town Alice style on her way to L.A.(only her car didn’t break down and she didn’t get a job in a diner.) I would have taken her out on the town and subjected her to some trashy phoenix hipster nights, but it just so happened I was sick with a fever and the early makings of what is now a full on “runny nose vagina” in my nose…or what Nikki calls “the clapper” (I don’t really get it either.) I thought the clapper was used to turn light switches on and off. She says it’s like “the clap” but in your nose. Well…now it all makes sense I guess.
Anyhow Dawn and her friend stayed at my place and she asked me to come along with her to L.A. which I had planned on, but I just didn’t feel well at all. We did some catching up and talked about all sorts of people we’d dated and misc. drama in our lives…ambitions and so forth. One thing memorable from our discussion is how often people in relationships seem to cheat on each and how they both stay with the other person, and it’s just somehow acceptable. I mean some of these people are together for years and cheat on each other openly. I personally would simply break up with a girl without thinking twice about it if she cheated on me…along with entertaining thoughts about murdering the dude and revenge sex with one of her friends. I would never cheat on someone I was in a relationship with, and if for some reason I simply couldn’t resist for whatever reason…then I wouldn’t expect the relationship to last much longer. I mean I’m not a puritan or anything, and I get that you can get bored of someone or if your significant other is always out of town traveling or whatever…you may want to stray…but then if you can’t commit to someone then just don’t be in a relationship. Just be single and slutty. It doesn’t make you appear any less sleazy just because you can manage to muster the effort to maintain some sort of plastique facade of being a loving romantic couple. And another thing? Why do dudes cheat? Where do they find the energy? When I’m with someone, I have a hard enough time paying enough attention to just one person…and when I manage to get a break I’m thinking about naptime and a bowl of cereal…not boning down and with other hoes and draining yet even more of my life force.
Dawn and I made sure to take our tri-annual tooth brushing photos which I’m sure she’d be thrilled that I’m posting here:
I don’t know how I managed to wake up at 6 a.m. and catch my plane this morning, as I went to Casey Moore’s last night, got drunk off red wine and stayed until close. Hung out with Jonathan Sakas, Bree, Kelly(not the lifeguard kelly different one) and company…where we discussed the most popular tacky phoenix radio jingles (“lerner and roe is the way to go,” I love my metropolitan mattress,” and the Shane Company diamond one. They were all too young to remember classic late night infomercials like Don Lapre’s “I did it all from my ONE BEDROOM apartment placing TINY CLASSIFIED ADS” or any of that Howie World crap” We shoot down the competition!” I swear you just can’t get that stuff out of your skull once it’s been engrained somewhere in that slab of meat which feeds the beast of civilization. Exchanged texts with a girl which may lead to a possible epic reconciliation and potential boardgames…or possibly just some consolation bored games
I’m currently in Austin for the next 8 days for South By Southwest. For some reason the kiosk I’m using at the hotel blocks you from accessing Facebook…which makes very little sense and kind of sucks ass.
I ate some serious BBQ my first day here at some amazing out of the way place. I have an all-access badge and plan to see a crapload of bands while I’m here. I know Austin is supposed to be different from the rest of Texas…but from what I’ve seen so far it’s not that different.
I become more and more appreciative of Phoenix as a city the more I travel. Texas has to be one of the least pedestrian friendly places. You just can’t walk or bus anywhere here unless you are downtown.
I have a feeling I will have a lot of fun when the show kicks into high gear. Hopefull I will get to see my friend Dawn Batson from Los Angeles who lives here now, but I can’t get onto facebook to send her a message to tell her that I’m here….!
Dawn Batson dredged up this photo of me at Harlowe’s from when she came to visit in December of 2006.When I see it, all I can think is “such innocent times.” Dreary to see a photo like this really. I feel like I need to time travel back there to my diet depsi drinking, cream chipped beef on toast eating self and save him from the smirk on his face.
Dear December 29, 2006 Self,
“Young man, you have no sense of what hellish things awaiteth you these next couple years. You’re going to experience whirlwind romances, unconditional love and romantic tumultuity the likes of which you have not yet seen. You will finally win over the girl of your dreams, an astonishing achievement by 2006 standards. But if dreams can come true, then nightmares can too. I know what you’re thinking…but yes you still can and will feel pain from broken heartedness. You will discover there are other ways for relationships to go badly than what you are familiar with. Right now you think it’s so hard to find someone that you love who actually loves you back just as equally. Well, I got news for you, pal, it turns out that’s only the first step! There are so many other variables in the equation, that you are simply not prepared to deal with grasshopper.
If all that were not bad enough, you’re also going to have ultrasounds, CT scans, endless anxiety, and eventual scrotum surgery to deal with that mysterious third testicle you’ve always been worried about in the back of your mind and is probably giving you discomfort at this very moment.
Most of your friends will have gotten married or essentially vanished from the world as you know it, and having blown your own chance you’ll be flying on your own…one of the last to remain, like “Bear” from the 1978 movie “Big Wednesday.” You are going to experience many unpleasantries and suck ass things. You should just immortalize yourself forever in that pose and call it a day. Oh and after breakfast Dawn and Ferraby are going to ask you if you want to come back to L.A. with them for New Years Eve. You should do it because your new years eve is going to blow otherwise. You’re not going to get to makeout with anyone at midnight, and the one girl at the party who wants to is underage and not the one you want.”
Dawn Batson came to visit me from LA on Friday and Saturday.
She was visiting her family in austin and stopped to hang out with me for a couple days on the way back to Los Angeles. She brought me a little brass pill box with a maple leaf on it that she bought at an antique store while waiting for me to get off work. It was really a pleasant time. We went to Fashion Square, and ate at a bunch of places, went on some adventures, etc. And It’s really funny because I love Target, and she’s in all the target stores in this huge display ad that says “flirt for less”.