Capture the Red Flag

What is it about a girl stalking me that is such a turn on? I guess it is the fact that they have a curiosity. Lots of people don’t. Like if a girl I liked kept an online diary, I would read it… if nothing else to get clues on how she thought, her past, what she likes and doesn’t like. It’s almost insulting if someone doesn’t take the time to do that, like they don’t even care enough to get to know all about you. I want to know everything about someone I like. Once I dated a girl for a few months and we lived together and she never once even bothered to read this thing. She just had no interest in even checking to see if I might be writing something about our relationship. The crap that I write here is mostly useless, but it is the hunger to know more about the person you are interested in which is a key component of falling for someone.

Another thing…most guys will talk about how they hate somewhat clingy girls, but not me. I love how they break all the dumb so called rules of dating(like waiting two days after getting someone’s number to call them.) The best is when you go on a date and you get home and the person is already calling and texting you that same night. The thing is, when I like a girl…I’ve already done my homework and (mostly) made up my mind that I like her before ever hanging out. I’m not deciding based on what she says or does during or after a date. Most people when they hang out with someone new are keeping some kind of mental scoreboard, trying to determine whether you’re worth their time or compatible…‘oh he likes strawberries…+5… but he’s wearing a Lacoste polo… -10 and he doesn’t watch Breaking Bad -25.’

I on the other hand am just looking for more reasons to like her as she reveals things about herself. “what’s that? you stabbed someone. Wow that’s so passionate.” Yet if a girl is super aggressive in liking me, and I have already convinced myself that I am into her then I’m fine with it. Go ahead and stop over unannounced. Call me 50 times in the middle of the night. Bring it on. If a girl really shows that she is into me, then I know that she is worth my time. If a girl only seems kind of into you, or like she might maybe be into you…then you know you are going to have to play that futile game over many months trying to win her over, and then losing her and then winning her back and then only to end up losing her to some guy who barely put in any effort at all, and probably would not have cared enough to go through all her online photos to see what kind of stuff she likes to do, or looked for sweet mugshots of her on google images and would never have thought about what it would be like to be holding hands with her at zoolights. So if a girl is only kind of interested then I am out because that is like sooooooo 2004-2005. Go ahead and creep on me, and i’ll creep you back. What could possibly go wrong?

October 22, 2013. Tags: , , , , , , , , . Uncategorized. Comments off.

Where have all the graveyards gone? Gone to Flowers every one…

Flying to Las Vegas in the morning. Will be back on thursday. Staying at “The Orleans,” a New Orleans themed hotel(hopefully pre-katrina and it’s not all just looters and mosquitoes running amok) Something tells me this isn’t going to be like “Live and Let Die.” If I die in a horrible plane crash. I hope you enjoyed reading my narcissistic ranting and raving for all these years. The other night I got this girl’s number and then when I texted her a few days later, she replied with something like “I’m sorry, I should have told you the other night I’m in a relationship etc.” Uhhh. What a dumb bitch. Why would you give your number out to guys at a bar? Anyway, not that I actually liked her or anything…she had a big greek nose kind of, but man how annoying. Anyway, she’s not the sort of girl who could make me feel all funny inside, you know like RH or ER or BS or NW. She was more of “mass text” material. Anyway! I’m going to Las Vegas, and it’s going to be hot as hell. Then when I get back all exhausted like, I get to finish cleaning out my old room and sorting through tons of accumulated crap and fell all the trauma of throwing away sentimentally valuable useless old shit.

July 20, 2010. Tags: , , , , . Uncategorized. Comments off.

Don’t cut out of here till we get on Cloud 9.

If you really want to annoy your romantic interest, just start talking like Edd “Kookie” Byrnes when you’re hanging out with her. I used to listen to this album around Christmas time last year, and after a while I started actually talking like this dude in real life on a day to day basis, to the disgust of many people. I picked up a lot of his phraseology and lingo. Enjoy a girl’s mortified reaction when you hit on her by telling her she’s the “ginchiest” in town. Or if you really want to impress her just say “I do 130 in a full house Deuce, with a Corvette mill on nitro juice.”

I wish I could find some of the other songs on this album to post…
Your GF will get mildly irritated but you can’t help but listen to this on repeat. Don’t let her bag on your groove. Let me clue ya, some of the jams on here are so far out they’re in. Shazam! I mean we’re talking the maximum utmost! The best ones are “Kookie Kookie Lend me your Comb,” “I don’t Dig You, Kookie” and “Like, I Love You.” Kookie (Edd Byrnes) is Kaptain Kool and an American original.

My ex girlfriend’s response was always to roll her eyes and curiously ask the all too familiar “so, is this like considered music or what would you call this?”

July 13, 2010. Tags: , , , , , , , , . Uncategorized. 1 comment.

checkmate in three moves in your heyday, but…

So as an accompaniment to this entry I was going to post a youtube of the song Human Hands by Elvis Costello, only to discover that youtube only contains a zillion videos of Sondre Lerche’s cover version of the Elvis Costello song. I’m sure it’s great and all, but it’s typically depressing that a new indie cover would be more accessible and well known than the actual song…

Did anything worth mentioning happen this weekend? I feel like it did, but after a whirlwind of fun sometimes I sit down to update this thing and can’t think of much to say…or realize I can’t write about certain things which incriminate other people, especially since so many people I actually know read this thing now. So when I write about goings ons wth random strangers and comical encounters with various respectable women and also cheap hoes, there may be consequences. But fuck it!

Friday I went with Bill to Casey Moore’s for a bit, and there were some girls who were attractive, but when they walked by they smelled like hot wings which kind of ruins it when you’re expecting marc jacobs perfume or something. So anyway it was kind of a cheesefest, and so I convinced Bill to go to Philthy Phil’s for Craig Citizen’s birthday celebration. I had a really good time, and saw a lot of people I wanted to see. Also talked to some people I had wanted to talk to for a long time and all and all just felt surrounded by friends. I danced with a lot of really nice girls. The dances were all very sexually charged but still innocent…which is the best kind of dancing. Bill didn’t feel like dancing, so he didn’t really have an outlet for his boner rage, so he ended up leaving early. I stayed to the end and left while I was still in a good mood. I got out of there in a hurry, cinderella style. One thing I don’t ever like to do is overstay my welcome. You’ve got to get out while the getting’s good. If you talk to these girls, and you just linger they begin to develop a seething hatred for you no matter how excited they were to talk with you originally. Sometimes it is still very difficult to leave though, even though you know staying just makes you into a stubborn cockroach hanging out in the aftermath of globalthermonuclear war. You just want to talk more and more and dance more and more and be oh so close… BUT you have to run!

Saturday night went to Casey’s again and hung out with friends. Was hanging out with Mark, Mikey, and others. I ran into an old(young) friend there and we ended up going to a Tempe house party afterwards, something I hadn’t really experienced in years. There ended up being major drama, as it turned out the girls who lived at the house had some sort of a history of being enemies with the girl I was friends with. So they kept talking shit to her and trying to kick her out. They were saying ridiculous stuff to her like “girl, don’t nobody want you here”(and yeah these were white and hispanic people talking like that.) Anyway, they were also sending these scuzzy, doofusy looking loser dudes over to incoherently tell her she needed to go. Anyway finally she agreed to leave, and even though I wasn’t really involved I was like “Well if she has to leave, then I’m leaving, too.” Not that anyone cared for me to be there, but it was a matter of honor. And so the four or five of us left, and we went to her friends’ apartment and hung out for a bit. One of her cute friends actually had a working VCR with a box of VHS tapes. Pretty amazing. One of the dudes was like “Holy shit! You guys sit around and watch vcrs?” And she was like “Uh no we watch VHS tapes.” Total Back to the future Two moment. Ohh and she told this story about how this guy was throwing rocks at her window late at night trying to get her attention, and I was all “Oh how romantic!” But she said she didn’t notice who it was at first and so she freaked out and called 911. And it turns out it was some dude she had wanted to leave her alone, so she was just really creeped out. Note to self, don’t ever throw rocks at a girl’s window whom you’re romantically interested in.

Today I hung out with Jonathan mostly. We went to Adult Swim briefly, then had burgers and went to his apartment where we watched the Ellen Degeneres Comedy Special on TBS(not my idea.) He played me some of his new techno jams that he made though so that part was fun, even though neither one of us really likes or listens to techno.

June 28, 2010. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , . Uncategorized. Comments off.

Big League Chew

Three nights in a row I have fallen asleep around 9:30. I guess a zillion nights in a row of getting only 4 or 5 hours of sleep has finally caught up with me. I have to get out of this rut though. Sleep is such a waste of time and not going out for an extended period of time causes bad things to happen. You start to lose social mass. It’s like muscle mass, if you stop working out it will begin to vanish pretty quickly…and then you have to start all over.

I finished some paintings. I’m sorta happy with them. Painting in my underwear in my room is like my new (old) favorite pastime.Try not to get a mental picture of that though if you know what’s good for you and me.

I feel like last month was a very lush time period for girls and romance, but alas just as fast nearly all of my romantic interests have fizzled out. What happens is that you pick the most promising prospect to go for…because really no matter how many girls there are…there is usually just one or two that deep down you know you could potentially fall for. So you decide to get to know them better knowing that you’ll pretty much persistently like them so long as they don’t turn out to be homicidal maniacs..and of course they have to like you consistently, too. And so after those end up biting the dust…you start to go back and revisit the “B list,” but then you realize that nearly every girl is going to be a problem in some way so you might as well just go for the gold. Besides, it feels much less demeaning to get the shaft from some amazing girl you knew was probably slightly out of your league anyway, than to be dissed by some girl you thought would be an easy target. Better to have a brief stint in the majors than be flat out rejected by some minor league team, right?

So I’m in for yet another miserable birthday in a few days. My birthdays almost always suck ass. 2007 was the last good one that I had, and before that you have to go back to the 80’s, to some of my epic childhood birthday parties. The only thing I’m looking forward to is getting the keys to my place today or tomorrow…and moving in this weekend even though I don’t have any furniture yet. Though I will need to paint the walls, remove the carpeting and buy about a million things I don’t even know I’m going to need yet.

June 24, 2010. Tags: , , , , , . Uncategorized. Comments off.

One Hart Too Many

So part of my daily wandering routine includes going to Borders and reading biographies of famous actors from the 50’s and 60’s. One of the best of these is Tony Curtis’ American Prince, which I’ve written about here before in various contexts. These books are also kind of depressing, as they represent a long gone era of movies far superior to the current mixture of awful remakes, market researched romance, shock cinema, child proof kids movies and preachily indulgent films. But blah blah blah…

Back to Tony Curtis’ American Prince. The most intriguing chapter deals with his marriage to Christine Kaufman. When he was aged 37, Tony Curtis fell in love with a young German actress named Christine Kaufman, who was only 17 or 18 at the time. He left Janet Leigh (he claims their marriage was over anyway) and promptly wedded Christine.

He recalls their romance:

Janet left Argentina, because she had a movie to make, but the reason for her leaving as quickly may have been jealousy of my beautiful young co-star, Christine Kaufman who played my love interest in “Taras Bulba,” a Ukrainian version of Romeo and Juliet. What no one knew at the time was that I didn’t need to act in my love scenes with Christine, because I really did fall in love with her. To make the situation even more ticklish…Christine was only 17 years old. That gave me pause, but there was a freshness about her, an exuberant joy in living that made me go all funny inside. Christine made life fun again, and I wanted to be with her in the worst way. My dream came true when we launched into a torrid affair for the first three weeks of shooting.

Tony Curtis and Christine Kaufmann wedding photo, 1963

Oh how lovely it would be to launch into a torrid affair this summer! If only there were any takers? (Cue the sound of crickets chirping…)

“Actors today achieve nothing. Nor do they have any glamour. They seem more interested in adopting babies than films. All the films are terrible, too, because the scripts are so bad and there are no decent film-makers. So I stick to Jill and my paintings” -Tony Curtis

Lately I’ve also been reading bits of actor Robert Wagner’s autobiography, Pieces of My Heart. My first memories of Robert Wagner are from when I used to watch the show Hart to Hart with my mom, (but I was probably too young to understand anything that was going on.)

The most striking difference between Robert Wagner’s memoirs and Tony Curtis’ is that Robert Wagner is simply a much more romantic guy, a gentleman even. When it comes to romance, Tony Curtis basically spends a lot of time bragging about his endless sexual conquests. He also cheated on all of his (several) wives, and when he talks of falling in love… it is generally reduced to a couple of paragraphs for just about every new girl he meets. He clearly just had a case of “the new girl syndrome.” Robert Wagner on the other hand devotes about 80% of his book to being in love with Natalie Wood. This includes falling in love with her, marrying her, arguing and fighting with her, moping around for years when she leaves him, finally getting her back, living happily in their second marriage and then eventually being devastated when she mysteriously drowned off Catalina Island in 1981.

I personally never really got into Natalie Wood that much. I mean I’m sure she was really wonderful and everything like everyone thought, but I just never had like an actress crush on her or saw what was so magical…. and from reading Robert Wagner’s book, all indications point to her as being a pain in the ass to deal with (although he doesn’t frame it that way or try to paint her as such…but any guy who has been around the block can read between the lines.) She dumps him when her career is riding high, leaving him in the dust. Then later when he has a new wife and re-establishes his life with roles in The Pink Panther (60’s film version) and The Longest Day while her career has started going downhill and her high profile romances have all fizzled out…well you get the idea.

This online account of one of their first dates is telling:

He invited her to meet him for lunch the following day. Natalie’s indifference – and Wagner’s easygoing manner – are indicated by the fact she arrived three hours late, to find him waiting patiently and still in good humour. This mellow manner won her over. She found herself accepting an invitation to an evening aboard My Lady, the first of the many boats Wagner was to buy with his cinema earnings.

Actually, forget Rebel Without a Cause, West Side Story and Splendor in the Grass…the only Natalie Wood movie I ever really enjoyed was Sex and the Single Girl (which coincidentally starred Tony Curtis!)

As much as I’d like to think I identify with Tony Curtis’ carefree philandering persona, deep down I must admit that I relate more with the sentiments in Wagner’s book. I spent most of my young adult life hopelessly romantic and absolutely miserable, in spite of whatever I may have had going for me at the time, lookswise or otherwise.

June 23, 2010. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , . Uncategorized. Comments off.

The Accidental Manwhore

Someday I should really consider becoming an actual manwhore instead of just an accidental one…which is to say that yes! I think I’ve indeed become an accidental manwhore. An accidental manwhore is a guy who enters a dating experience with mostly pure intentions, but for whatever reason it just doesn’t work out. It ends up having this net effect of you having a zillion of these like one or two week romances…where you hook up with the person a few times but a relationship or courtship never fully materializes. So it gives the appearance that you’re a sleazy manslut as before you know it you’ve managed to hook up with all sorts of people, but really you’re just a bold, stubbornly romantic guy in a brave new world who just so happens to have really bad luck and never quite gets anywhere yet keeps trying anyway. Accidental manwhorism is just another peculiar phenomenon of life in the big city.

June 18, 2010. Tags: , , , , , , , . Uncategorized. Comments off.

“I wouldn’t be caught dead marrying a woman old enough to be my wife”- Tony Curtis

How the F did I manage to burn through 2000 text messages already this month? I thought that once I became single I could get away with dropping my plan from unlimited to say… a mere 2000. Well, that only worked for a while apparently. Am I one of those text messaging maniacs? Could I give the average millennial a run for his/her money. It doesn’t seem like I text a whole bunch, but as my texts are spread out to a wide range of people I guess it all adds up, especially considering the phone plan includes not just the ones I send, but also the ones I receive. Yesterday I got almost 30 texts from one ex-girlfriend. I did not send as many back, mostly due to time constraints. It’s not hard to see it as a metaphor for why things didn’t work out. She was too demanding, and I probably was too self involved and didn’t put in enough effort. Anyhow, am I really going to devote an entire entry to text messaging? Wouldn’t that be lame….

June 16, 2010. Tags: , , , , , , , . Uncategorized. Comments off.

the naming of cats is a difficult matter

Saturday afternoon I decided I needed a new uniform. When you’re not having any luck in the world, you can’t change the world and luck is imaginary…so all you can really do is buy some new clothes and/or shave. I went to American Apparel in Scottsdale, and bought this black longsleeve shirt/sweater which when combined with my black pants and white belt, made me look a bit like a sandman from the 1976 movie “Logan’s Run.” I bought an extra small for the hell of it, but when I got home and tried it on, it was too tight(not to mention hot as balls.) So I didn’t want to go right back to the store and exchange it for a small, because I was just in there, and it would be weird. Not sure why I would get anxiety about that, but I just felt like I would appear “wishy washy” to the cashier people. Like they would give me a look like “there’s something amiss with this dude. He just bought this and now he’s returning it 5 minutes later…what a nutjob.” I mean hey, that’s what I would be thinking. So I decided to go to the Tempe American Apparel and exchange it there…which turned out to be an amazing decision, because I was rung up by the friendliest cashier person I’ve ever encountered. Not since I was in a Casino did a person look so happy to take my money…(or in this case my merchandise for exchange.) When she asked me how my day was going I gave my stock answer of “It sucks” which was true enough and she seemed taken aback by that. These customer service questions can become so routine, that I think people are not prepared when you actually give a somewhat genuine response. “That’s not the answer people usually give” she said. Indeed, and just like that she almost seemed like a friend.

I was in a bad mood most of yesterday because the internet was down, and I had a lot of emails and other crap to tend to. I tried to go to the internet cafe and they were closed! Did they go out of business? I watched “Bullitt” with Steve Mcqueen, which I haven’t seen since about 2002. He’s great in it of course…but I’m not a big fan of realism in movies(unless it’s realism of emotion or humor.) I like movies that leave some things to the imagination. Mainly I think it’s just the “realistic” hospital ER scenes that are a bit too much for a hypochondriac like me to watch. I don’t like to see THAT far into my future.

I took a long nap and woke up rather frantically at midnight, just in time to throw on my new AA sweater and head out to Casey Moore’s. Most people I knew were MIA, but strangely everything fell into place. I took the initiative and met some people I had wanted to know for a long time. After the bar closed, during the outside part.. you know, that time when everyone(mostly dudes) stands around in search of nonexistent afterparties or with the fleeting hopes that something interesting will happen, but it rarely ever does…well in that short period of time I met a girl, who agreed to go with me to meet some friends at a cafe. Only when we started driving, we decided neither of us were hungry(not to mention we didn’t find the place) and so instead we went to 24 hour Walmart(an adventure in itself) and purchased an official NCAA basketball. We then drove to a park in Tempe and played basketball until the sun started to come up. We played three games of PIG, with her winning the first game and me the next two. In reality, we were evenly matched as we both sucked about equally…but we could potentially rule as friends with practice.

Today after a brief stint hanging out at Borders reading Darwin Porter’s unsubstantiated gossip filled, unauthorized biography of Steve McQueen “The King of Cool,” I decided to go back to the Tempe American Apparel and buy another of the exact same sweater I purchased the previous day. Miraculously, the same girl was there to ring me up again. I could tell she thought it was odd I was buying a duplicate of the item I had just bought…”hmm you’re getting another black top” she muttered curiously. But I told her that the other one had turned out to be good luck, and she seemed to understand.

May 24, 2010. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , . Uncategorized. Comments off.

Tempe girls vs. Scottsdale girls

The difference between Scottsdale girls and Tempe girls is that Scottsdale girls are interested in money, brand names and image. They tend not to give you the time of day unless you can fulfill their expectations in these areas, which is not to say that they have good taste as far as these things go(some “gaud awful” stuff appeals to them as money rarely equates to good taste… with the atrocious downtown Scottsdale condo architecture being a perfect example) Tempe girls usually come from traumatic backgrounds and are merely interested in love and attention. In a way they care about image too, but much less so and having what would be considered a quality image(stable job, grooming habits, cool clothes, reasonably intelligent etc) actually works against you. With Tempe girls, you basically can be some heavily tattooed doofus slob who just drunkenly stumbles into them and mumbles some shit…and odds are you can have your way with them for an evening or two(a long term Tempe relationship is like 2 months, average is a couple weeks.) This may seem like it would be more advantageous to go for Tempe girls, but it can be frustrating since if you’re a guy who does care even slightly about intellect, image, goals etc….these things will not benefit you in your pursuit of said girls, and you will likely frequently lose out on these girls to many drunken, ugly, listless, worthless, morons. You will short every circuit in your body trying to compute how it happened and what adaptations will be required for future attempts. Such thoughts are futile. If you want to score a make out sesh with a Tempe girl, just say “Hey, ladies… I’m a tattoo artist, my band’s playing at Yucca Tap Room, sometimes I bartend at the Rogue and oh I’ve got some pills.” It doesn’t even matter if none of these things are true as the relationship will likely be over before she finds out, and lying about it makes you into a scumbag which will push you even further into the demographic of the Tempe girl, thus opening up all sorts of new opportunities with her friends and acquaintances.

April 30, 2010. Tags: , , , , , , , . Uncategorized. Comments off.

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