Las Vegas II

 

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This was my bed at The Flamingo, where I had sex with the hottest girl ever. She just wasn’t actually there while it was happening.

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I didn’t intend to make this stupid ass face.

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I almost fell for this marketing tactic.

If only they would have had a slot machine that had Lisa Eilbacher as part of it’s theme, I would have cranked out the quarters.

 

Have a Blue Christmas, in Las Vegas Part I

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That’s right. My Christmas this year was mostly spent wandering the Las Vegas strip like a stray dog. I was there for 4 days, which is an incredible amount of time to be in Vegas. Despite being mildly depressed, I made the most of the trip. The second night I was there I walked all the way from the Flamingo to downtown to the Fremont Street Experience(a very looong walk.)  Along the way I passed a zillion little wedding chapels, one of them which had a sign that said “Michael Jordan and Joan Collins were married here,”(presumably not to one another.)

Fremont Street has come a long way since the 1971 car chase scene in the movie Diamonds Are Forever. They have an incredible light show on the ceiling of the entire walk which even sometimes features 60’s psychedelic jams like the coincidentally appropriate song by The Zombies, “She’s Not There.”  I took a video of it on my phone, but this one on youtube is better:

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They had a stage set up with a band called “Candy and the Canes” playing covers of popular Christmas songs like “Last Christmas, I gave you my heart…etc.” A couple of the girls in the band were super hot, from a distance at least.

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Back on the strip, they had a lovely ice skating rink outside The Venetian. There’s never a girl around to go ice skating with when you need one.

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The highlight of my trip was Christmas Eve morning in my hotel room, as there were 4 episodes of Married With Children on in a row. When I was a kid I used to identify more with Bud, but now that i am older I relate much more to Al or the family dog, Buck.

I have a strange story about my flight back, after everyone boards the plane and we are on the runway two seconds away from taking off, the pilot gets on the intercom and says “I’m sorry , but we have to head back to the gate. There is a passenger on board that is a potential security risk.” So we get back to the gate, and security removes this shifty Pakistani looking dude wearing a hoodie from the airplane. I’m not sure if he was actually up to anything and nobody had really noticed him, but he had the creepiest look in his eyes and a shit eating “joker” grin on his face. They took him away and we never saw him again. My guess is he is either being waterboarded right now, or getting ready to cash in on a racial profiling lawsuit. It was slightly terrifying. I was glad to make it home.

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Las Vegas/ CES

So I was in Las Vegas last week for the Consumer Electronics Show for the third year in a row. I was getting over a cold/flu so this negated some of my adventures and nefarious activities. I still made the Casino rounds though in the evening and took some photos. My room was at The Flamingo, on the 23rd floor…which due to my fear of heights left me with the familiarly uncomfortable sensation of “ball tingle.”

Also, I noticed the odds were 100/1 against the Seahawks winning the Super Bowl, so I put $20 on them which would have won me $2000. Surprisingly they beat the Saints…but were eliminated yesterday in the divisional playoff against the Bears.

Circus Circus was jam packed on Friday night so perhaps we are witnessing a revival of that famous hotel from “Diamonds Are Forever.”

Las Vegas, loner style

I stayed at The Orleans, a New Orleans themed hotel, which contained Mardi Gras decor, a French Market Buffet, voodoo, and giant floating heads. This one reminded me of the dude from The Land of FarAway Anyone for some “bread that cures all hunger?”

The Excalibur, which resembles a ginormous version of “Castles and Coasters” is one of my favorite places and features a “Sword in the Stone Bar.”


The view from my hotel room on the 16th floor, which due to my fear of heights left me with the the constant sensation of “ball tingle” whenever I was up there/


New York, New York, Las Vegas, the only New York I will ever like. No annoying east coast accents to be found here!


I did not attend this, but my ex was a fan of this Holly Madison babe so I took a picture of this.

I was there on business, so I mostly had to stay at my hotel where the event was being hosted. I took a lot more photos including ones of some “The Monkees” slot machines at the Venetian(wtf?) but I must have re-rased them at some point.

It was hot as fuck outside, hotter than Phoenix even. Still I walked the entire length of the strip, sweating balls the whole way and getting sunburnt the whole way. I wandered into every Casino until I finally made it to the Stripburger, a place I eat whenever I go to Las Vegas. I had a hamburger, sweet potato fries and a chocolate fudge shake.

Where have all the graveyards gone? Gone to Flowers every one…

Flying to Las Vegas in the morning. Will be back on thursday. Staying at “The Orleans,” a New Orleans themed hotel(hopefully pre-katrina and it’s not all just looters and mosquitoes running amok) Something tells me this isn’t going to be like “Live and Let Die.” If I die in a horrible plane crash. I hope you enjoyed reading my narcissistic ranting and raving for all these years. The other night I got this girl’s number and then when I texted her a few days later, she replied with something like “I’m sorry, I should have told you the other night I’m in a relationship etc.” Uhhh. What a dumb bitch. Why would you give your number out to guys at a bar? Anyway, not that I actually liked her or anything…she had a big greek nose kind of, but man how annoying. Anyway, she’s not the sort of girl who could make me feel all funny inside, you know like RH or ER or BS or NW. She was more of “mass text” material. Anyway! I’m going to Las Vegas, and it’s going to be hot as hell. Then when I get back all exhausted like, I get to finish cleaning out my old room and sorting through tons of accumulated crap and fell all the trauma of throwing away sentimentally valuable useless old shit.

the coin of the realm

“That’ll be 8.02”
(I hand the girl at the counter a $10 bill
and she starts to count out 1.98 in change)
“You’re not really going to give me 98 cents change are you?”

Normally I pay for everything with my debit card, but at certain places I only pay cash because I don’t necessarily want them to know who I am. I’ve had people look for me online before after seeing me somewhere…and that’s cool I do that sort of thing too, but I also write about all sorts of nutty exchanges I have with people so you just really never know who reads this stuff and how they’d react. Maintaining anonymity in certain circles(like where I eat) is important to me.

Back in the days when I was a “broke ass ” coins were a hot commodity (even mangled pennies that had been run over to the point of near-unrecognizability were highly sought after.) Anything to get me closer to the short term goal of either a single bag of microwave popcorn or a stick of processed string cheese from 7-eleven.

The only time in recent memory that I made any serious effort to scrounge around for change buried within the meager crevasses of my room was about a month ago, and I was able to muster about $35 worth… which I brought to the Coinstar machine and converted it into cash that I then took to Vegas where it swiftly evaporated into a “Money Mad Martians” slot machine and was completely vaporized within about 20 minutes.

I hate coins. They should just get rid of them altogether. When your skinny jean pockets get too filled with change, it just makes it look like you have a displaced scrotum. Not to mention it sags your pants and causes you to make constant belt notching adjustments to account for the periodic increases and decreases in coin levels throughout the day.

Years ago people saved every penny. Nowadays you find a quarter in your pocket(not a roll of quarters mind you) and it’s “how the the heck did that get in there?” just before you toss it somewhere harmlessly without even bothering to make a wish.

what would bugsy siegel say

Saturday I got back from Las Vegas where I attended the Consumer Electronics Convention(CES.) 3D tvs are apparently going to be the big new thing. Would be cooler if no tv was going to be the new big thing.

Las Vegas was fun but mostly exhausting from all the walking around I did carrying stuff. Nothing really eventful happened either. I didn’t gamble much(didn’t win anything in any event) didn’t try to meet any girls, didn’t drink much, didn’t really have time or money set aside to do all the things I wanted to do, and all in all was happy to be home.

Stayed at the Flamingo, where nearly everything was a ripoff and the management seemed totally incompetent. When I checked into my room it had slices of bread and unidentifiable pills underneath the bed.
My room was on the 12th floor, and I thought it would be fun to take the stairs down, but when I opened the door to the stairwell it was outside!…which was comically terrifying since I’m afraid of heights and so I instantly shut the door .

Circus Circus is still my favorite place on the strip for fun and historical ambiance, but I have grown to appreciate the Venetian(I’m generally not fond of newer places) as it seems that very attractive people tend to congregate there.