The Summer That Never Was

Summer is nearly upon us, as the sun hangs above ever longer with each turn of the Earth…and yet still these are dark days. Absent is the optimism, the excitement, and the anticipation that preceded all previous summers, even those awful ones which each fell victim to their unique curses. I guess it is something that comes with age and experience, or rather the age and experience of one idiosyncratically stubborn enough to repeatedly try to get something right when they should know better.

In years past I looked forward to vividly imagined summer romances, of late night adventures, long road trips to far off places, holding hands and long afternoon make out sessions while listening to the songs where with each one you communicate something to the other person passive aggressively through the lyrics. Alas, those were summers that never were. After so many which did not fulfill the promise of my overactive imagination, I find that I now deprive myself of even the anticipation itself.

It’s like Pavlov’s experiment with the dog. One can be conditioned to salivate when the bell rings in anticipation of the perceived rewarding experience, but after so many times the bell tolls and only disappointment follows, well…forgive me if I don’t get too enthusiastic. I probably know how that story ends already.

Indeed, I find it difficult to muster the optimistic energy for more than even a single date. Imaginatively, I’m already bracing myself for all the possible negative scenarios, like a chess player using the four pawns attack, thinking several moves ahead…planning for a handful of contingencies, each one likely to leave me on the losing end. This, all before I have any idea if the person is even remotely interested to begin with. Before we share so much as our first Soy Delicious ice cream cone, I’ve already envisioned us breaking up in a thousand different horrible ways. Potential future arguments have all played out in my head. So when I look you in the eye and tell you how there’s nobody I’d rather hang out with, I’ve already taken into consideration all the negative aspects of your character, including imaginary ones that you may not even actually possess.

To this you might exclaim, “What a way to live! Why not just give things a chance. Everyone is different, etc.” Well, because I’ve done it a thousand times before, and the result has been a variation of the same thing every single time. If I couldn’t attract or hold the interest of the last few thousand girls in the face of even pitiful or nonexistent competition, would I not be a fool to think that it could turn out differently this time, especially with someone whose implicit inner and outer beauty should theoretically make them even more difficult to obtain?

I had a long talk with my ex on the phone last weekend. We discussed all our current dating prospects with which I confessed to her that I had none, other than a couple of real longshots. Of course she had to get in a bit of a jab and remark that “Most girls probably wouldn’t realize you like them, given that you hardly put in any effort.” I had to explain to her, results are the same regardless. And that when I put myself out there or display confidence, the girl will just come right out and tell me she’s not interested. At least if I’m distant and coy about the whole thing, I can maintain the illusion that she might actually be interested but just isn’t sure if I am into her. Anyway, when girls are interested, they are totally obvious about it. They call you all the time, text you all the time, and express their desire to hang out frequently. They don’t fuck around. If you have to wonder if a girl likes you, she probably doesn’t. You could always prod her to find out for sure, but I first would recommend you consider the exchange between Charlton Heston and Dr. Zaius near the end of Planet of the Apes:(1968 version)

Taylor: A planet where apes evolved from men? There’s got to be an answer!
Dr. Zaius: Don’t look for it, Taylor. You may not like what you find. .

Why are girls so attracted to confidence anyway? Seriously, it makes me doubt the merits of the evolutionary process. It’s so phony. Actual knowledge and cold contemplation are so much more valuable as traits. If a clueless person A exudes confidence while he jumps off a cliff and person B is aware of the likely negative implications but gives it a shot anyway, giving some attention to the possibility of survival will they not both splatter on the ground? Which person would you want steering the ship in storm? Girls’ attraction to empty confidence combined with the seemingly endless supply of arrogant doofus men helps to explain why there are so many stupid people in the world.

So then as a consolation I am left with a plethora of casual friendships, laughing and philosophising about fashion, colors, politics and the cosmos…with nary but an already scratched non-winning ticket in the lotto of romance. Not looking forward to the summer this year. How about you?

May 2, 2011. Tags: , , , , , , , , , . Uncategorized. Comments off.

Amidst a Misogynist

Amidst a Misogynist Brandon Adamson

In the thick of the mix
of the blitz of awe and beauty of beauties,
we have it would seem
a misogynist amidst.
Every red blooded man has one,
somewhere, perhaps within reason
and his ability to do so…

a sense of hopelessness
tendency toward bitterness
over the missed and the communications landing amiss,

something arising from the self conscious disdain of the self controlled
for those of the emotions uncontrolled,
the battle of the poised versus the noise for the sake of,
locked in a semi-permanent struggle with one another
are the mild temperament and the child temper.

Out on the town,
in the thick of the mix,
underlies this,
the misogynist amidst,
reluctant to relinquish the quest for the kiss
with the potential to vanquish the anguish
so prevalent
amidst the misogynist.

May 23, 2010. Tags: , , , , , . Uncategorized. 1 comment.

sunday always comes too late

Sunday was an amazing day. Went to Buffalo Exchange in the morning, and Nelly was working so I ended up talking to her for a long time like about pizza and stuff like that.

Anyway so then I hung around Tempe and did some shopping without buying anything. I went home, and took a bunch of random self portraits, cause I do that from time to time. In the name of lost causes and miracles on ice, I put together a mail package for the historical record. Then I got bored so I decided to go back to Tempe, and I was out walking on 44th street, and I hear someone yell “BRANDON!” and then I turn to look, and who is it? It’s the stripper girl, but I guess I can’t call her that anymore cause we’re full blown friends now, but I can’t really use her name, because nobody knows she’s a dancer but me and it’s a big secret.
Anyway, She asks me if I need a ride, and I told her yes. When I got inside her car she was wearing like a shawl, with nothing underneath, no bra or underwear or anything. Just a shawl and some tennis shoes. and we talked about how we’re cosmically connected because we’ve run into each other everywhere, and our lives just keep crossing paths over the years. I mean that’s such an LA way to think. It’s almost like those healing crystals or macrobiotics and that sort of BS that nutty people buy into. But I mean, it really feels like even if I went to Canada or something I would somehow run into this girl. She’s like “Where do you want to get dropped off?”, and I said “Mill and University”, and then she was like “do you mind if I tag a long with you for a while?” and I was like “uhhh sure”. So out of nowhere I had a partner in crime. We went to her house and it was a really great studio with vaulted ceilings and a pleasant ambience, and she told me she was dating this one guy who’s just normal, and this then this other rich older guy, and I was like “uhhh so wait you’re dating two guys at the same time?”, but she had some way of rationalizing it that kind of made sense. We walked to the Bamboo Lounge and I ate some crab wontons and she drank a bunch of martinis, and we told each other really dark and horrible secrets.

Then we went back to her house, and talked for a while. She asked me if she could slap me in the face cause she likes doing that to boys so I let her, and she hit me pretty hard and It didn’t really do anything for me so I guess I’ll never be one of those masochist guys. She wanted me to slap her, but I just couldn’t do it. Maybe if it were another girl, but not her. She had a hula hoop, and so we started hula hooping and she was really impressed by how well I could hula hoop. We talked for a while, and I left. Then at like 12 or 1 in the morning she called me a couple times and wanted me to go with her to Casey Moore’s, but I was dead tired from waking up at the “ass crack of 8:30” sunday morning, and I had to work today, but I considered…

She really is a great friend. She says that she kind of latched on to me because I remind her of LA and of home. And I understand because I know what it’s like. She said she used to see me around and tell people, “See that boy, I’m going to be friends with him.” And she is.

October 3, 2005. Tags: , , , . Uncategorized. 1 comment.

Chelle’s wishlist woes

Yeah, I know we just did an article on Chelle’s, haircut a few days ago, but it appears now she may not receive the gifts some pervy guys bought for her due to no fault of her own.

I got rid of my felicite wishlist. I can’t believe them. Their site fucked up and let someone into my account now they freeze my account and try to tell me they’re investigating on who’s the real owner of the account??? I started it under the email address I use to contact them, and they still have the nerve to say that? I’m pissed 😡 . I just told them to ship out my gifts (because they haven’t yet, they always take like 5 years to do it) to the original address and I’d be done with ’em. No more of that :/.

Well I can imagine what kind of priceless items must have been on her felicite wishlist, actually no i can’t since I’m pretty out of touch living in my own SNES RPG fantasy world and all. Probably just some revealing summer dresses made of cheap material and assorted lemon scented hypoallergenic lotions and creams. Anyhow, Chelle really need any wishlist at this point. She should be moving on to bigger and better things like chrono trigger, non-union commercial acting, and hanging out with misogynists.

Update: Felicite responds, with Chelle being denied the gifts the pervs bought her.
Felicite, you motherfuckers.


So it looks like after 4 months of having this wishlist they ‘decide’ to close down my account and ever other webmasters account. They bank off of overcharging the buyer for shipping, you all are fucking scammers, and why do we get the gifts like months later? Shit, with what you charge we should be getting next day service. I’m very sorry to anyone who has purchased me something, if you were one of those people please email felicite and demand them to either refund you or ship the gift out to me.

I for one never knew chelle was capable of that sort of machismo. I’m confident she’ll get the gifts, as thank god she should.

Anyhow, apparently the same thing happened to Nay but she posted it in such a vile manner that it’s not suitable to be examined here by those of us trying to remain pure.

June 26, 2002. Tags: , , , , , . Uncategorized. Comments off.

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