This can’t be the way the world ends


“Oh God, I could be bounded in a nutshell and count myself a king of infinite space, were it not that I have bad dreams”

I’ve really grown fond of this website, The Mad Monarchist

I don’t agree with all of the guy’s opinions(although I do most of them,) however the site is a treasure trove of detailed information and insight on current and defunct monarchies of the world. Aesthetically, monarchy has always been my preferred form of government. In fact, I’ve often (half- jokingly) maintained that I’m still loyal to the king, and have frequently questioned whether the colonies should have ever revolted. Maybe I played too many Super Nintendo RPGs as a kid,(and as an adult) but I don’t see how one could make it through an entire game of Chrono Trigger and conclude that a character like King Guardia XXI would have been any worse or less corrupt of a leader than most of the democratically elected, popularity contest winners of the 21st century.

Whether we choose them or not, you get good leaders and you get bad leaders. Sometimes you get a Dwight Eisenhower or Calvin Coolidge. Once in a while you have to suffer through a Jimmy Carter or GWB. So it goes with kings and emperors. Sometimes you get a Tiberius, and sometimes you get a Caligula. Democracy can only be as competent as the quality of the current state of “groupthink” that propels the majority’s decisions. Time and time again majority opinion has been proven to be misinformed and has led us into more predicaments than it has navigated us out of. We’ve all seen the brutality and heavy handedness that military dictatorships can unleash upon a country. Military leaders often have charisma though, and can manage a country well if they are just. If you had to have one though, it would be hard to find more suitable brass then General Leo from Final Fantasy III/VI, a genuinely humble and charismatic figure. Like many heroes of made of a similar ilk ilk though, he left us too soon.


“I knew you were being used as some sort of biological weapon. And because I didn’t do anything about it, I’m no better than Kefka.” —Leo to Terra Branford

Anyway, one thing I love about monarchy is that it takes almost all the cheesy corporate sloganeering and endless campaigning out of government and(in a good age) restores a tasteful dignity and sense of inspiration to the people.

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Let’s not question our flesh for wanting to remain flesh.

So I’m not sure how it happened, but I’m going through sort of a “viking” phase. I’ve been watching all these old viking movies like “Erik the Conqueror” with Cameron Mitchell and “The Vikings” starring Tony Curtis. And so I grew a beard, and I lift weights while watching these films and just get super excited about the prospects of “vikingdom.” I do have a lot of Norwegian in me and blue eyes so aesthetically it isn’t much of a stretch apart for the fact that I have the body of a 13 year old Nintendo Hotline Game Counselor from 1989. But haveth no fear! If it is the will of Odin, in a few weeks I shall be the equivalent of a fire breathing monster. However, don’t expect me to be rocking much in the way of viking fashions. I’ll stick to my 21st-century American Apparel retro space age outfits. I’m definitely not one of those wacky “Renaissance Fair” costume wearing weirdos even though I do wish we actually lived in a monarchy…as perhaps there wouldn’t be so many billboard advertisements. I’ll keep you all updated on my viking status as we all know how significant this is in the grand scheme of things.

Once, Twice, Three Times, I’d put a baby in Lady Gaga

Something amazing happened a couple of weeks ago while I was in Las Vegas for the CES show. As I was lying in my hotel room one night watching tv at the mid-tier “Flamingo” establishment located on the strip, somewhere deep in my mind I began to of all things… develop a bizarre crush. It happened when the hokey local newscasters put a picture up on the screen of Lady Gaga at the CES show. They did it presumably to make light of her (in their view) preposterous hairdo and bold fashion statement…comparing her on the air to a peacock or some suck creature( by far not the worst animal for a girl to be compared to.)

lady gaga ces polaroid

To me though she seemed beautiful, a larger than life figure wrapped up into a little Tootsie Roll Pop package. If we lived in a monarchy she would be fit to be queen. She kind of reminds me of a comic book super hero(or villainess) sort of like a younger version of Monica Vitti(“there is a sting in my tail!”) as she starred in the 1966 classic “Modesty Blaise,” an all time favorite of mine.

Anyhow, since that moment when she showed up on my screen, I have been all sorts of romantic non-pervy daydreams about her. This sort of thing is reminiscent of the time I developed an innocent yet major crush on the video game character “Rydia” from Final Fantasy II for Super Nintendo some years ago…or harkens back to the days of E/N when I developed a superficially romantic interest in the legendary camgirl “Charisma” of the long defunct Charismama.com.

But here I find myself all over again in 2010 with Lady Gaga. And yes I realize that in many a sense she’s the antithesis of a dude like me. A great singer for one, she’s a product of the world of catchy overproduced pop run through computers and set to a backdrop of oozing sexuality and “what will she do next?” sellout show hobaggery. A bisexual icon of the gay community(some even claim she’s a hermaphrodite,) Lady Gaga actually admires Ellen Degeneres and is by all accounts your average hardcore east coast liberal celeb example of the parallel track modern day America is on with the Fall of the Roman Empire. I probably have more in common with Charles Manson than Lady Gaga, for as Charles and I would both say “Man, I don’t live in that world.”

But here’s the thing, I don’t care.

I like Lady Gaga anyway. She’s awesome. And there is always a subtle underlying romance that occurs in a story between the archetype romantic male hero and his arch enemy, the sadistic femme fatale….or between the feminist female heroine and the creepy criminal mastermind(depending on your point of reference.)

I can say right now though, at this moment, with barely a hint of understated sarcasm in my voice …that I am in love with Lady Gaga! Let there be no doubt she is the undisputed epitome of female perfection!