Tin Drum

Whenever I hear a girl say “I want a man, not a boy,” I can immediately disqualify myself and know she’s not the one for me. I’m out. This doesn’t pertain to any specific situation…but occasionally in my discussions with a girl over her romantic life I make a mental note of our own potential compatibility. Who doesn’t do that? Anyway, I’m not into breaking stuff, yelling a lot, doing yardwork, and telling a girl stuff like “look, this is what you’re cooking, and this is what I’m eating.” I get road rage, but that’s as far as I’m going.
So yeah, when I hear a girl say “I want a man, not a boy.” It’s not that they’re offering but still, no thank you….or as Al Bundy would say “no ma’am!”

November 7, 2010. Tags: , . Uncategorized. Comments off.

Acceptance is the Cure

Acceptance is the Cure

I just want someone to accept me
for who I am-
“But you don’t even accept yourself for who you are!”
I accept myself for being someone
who can’t accept who they are.
So I guess I’m looking for an exception,
someone who accepts me for being someone who
accepts themselves for being someone
who can’t accept who they are.

from my book SideQuests

February 17, 2010. Tags: , , , , , , . Uncategorized. Comments off.

no luggage, merely a carry on

“Excuse me sir, will you be checking any luggage?”

“No, just a carry on…I don’t have any real baggage,
only a chip on my shoulder that I take everywhere I go”
“Oh I’m sorry sir, we can’t let you through security with that…it makes you seem too creepy to the other passengers and it will make them uncomfortable, the females especially.”

“Well why should I be punished for someone else being unable to distinguish between my nonexistent yet perceived creepiness via the chip on my shoulder along with my well documented peter pan syndrome(and possibly undiagnosed asbergers some would say) vs. the all too real trauma and tomfoolery soon to be unleashed upon their unsuspecting hearts by actual real life versions of creepy dudes. ”

“Sir, that’s not our policy. Nobody cares, and you’re holding up the line. Please move along before I have to call security.”

So one of the great things about going out now is that I hardly recognize anyone. Years ago I had accumulated so many enemies and animosities in social circles that it would make attending a party or going to the bar the equivalent of an unpleasant psychological stress test. I would always have to worry about running into people that I didn’t want to see, avoiding certain areas places and rooms because I had simply accumulated too much baggage. The good news is 99% of those people are long goners, and so I’m in a sense “a free man.” The sense of freedom does not last so long as I’m already beginning to accumulate new baggage. However, I’m not the same person I was back then as I’ve learned to appreciate the humor in such circumstances which balances out some of the anxiety which in turn mitigates what would have once been panic and sheer horror. Seriously. I used to avoid entire regions of the city to not have to run into ex girlfriends. I once referred to downtown Phoenix as “North Vietnam” because a girl I had dated lived there and every once in a while I would get roped into going to the area by a friend for a show at Modified or maybe a trip to Bikini Lounge, and I literally felt like I was deep in enemy territory and could be tortured, sniped, maimed or have to see her at any given moment!

Fast forward to the now.

The trade off is of course that you’re on your own. That person who you used to dread having to small talk with was at least someone you knew, a familiar face and one of your own. At least when you ran into your ex-girlfriend out with a random dude and experienced the humiliation of knowing you couldn’t even get a girl who couldn’t even get that guy…
I mean at least you all watched the same cartoons when you were kids(“High up in the trees we’re the Monchichis, Monchichis!”) and you didn’t feel like some rogue time traveling secret agent here to spy from another generation.

Now you just stand there all creepylike and like a vampire hoping to use your acquired powers of charm to suck the youth out of someone to keep you feeling young a while longer. That reminds me, I’ve often wondered if vampires would have trouble getting served alcohol since they live so long that bartenders would not believe their IDs were valid.
“Sorry pal, but you don’t look 720 years old to me!”

The trade off is one I accept of course. Getting in the mix and making friends with the new crocodiles is all part of the deal. No excess baggage, just what I can carry on.

January 26, 2010. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Uncategorized. Comments off.

The endangered species carousel

Went to Zoolights on Tuesday night at the Phoenix Zoo. When we walked in, immediately somebody(a zoo employee) took our picture, and they were like “you can pick up the photo on the way out,” but we were so surprised that there was no way either one of us was going to want to see what leprositic looks of terror on our faces that were captured on digifilm. Something of a poor man’s paparazzi, it was a schlock and awe tactic to say the least. We did not retrieve the picture upon exit.

The dancing trees light show is amazing. We watched it 3 times. There was an energetic older man who video-recorded the entire thing on his camera and showed it to us…which mostly just made me think how I need to get married so that I don’t end up like one of those lonely wandering old men who spend their time people watching in public places and chatting it up with young strangers. But alas, I know it is to be my destiny.

They have a Komodo dragon exhibit now. As I’ve mentioned before, the Phoenix Zoo keeps getting better all the time.

While I was recovering from surgery a while ago, I read a copy of “Peter Pan” which had been given to me as a gift for xmas 2007 with the inscription “to the boy who will always be my Peter Pan.” Well as we all know…Wendys come and go, but Peter Pan remains in neverland…so long as children are gay and innocent and heartless.

I will be going to Las Vegas again in January for the annual Consumer Electronics Show and staying at The Flamingo. Last time I was in Vegas I won some money…would like to win some more. Just need to find myself a nice “White Ice” slot machine.

December 18, 2009. Tags: , , , , , , . Uncategorized. Comments off.

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