Capture the Red Flag

What is it about a girl stalking me that is such a turn on? I guess it is the fact that they have a curiosity. Lots of people don’t. Like if a girl I liked kept an online diary, I would read it… if nothing else to get clues on how she thought, her past, what she likes and doesn’t like. It’s almost insulting if someone doesn’t take the time to do that, like they don’t even care enough to get to know all about you. I want to know everything about someone I like. Once I dated a girl for a few months and we lived together and she never once even bothered to read this thing. She just had no interest in even checking to see if I might be writing something about our relationship. The crap that I write here is mostly useless, but it is the hunger to know more about the person you are interested in which is a key component of falling for someone.

Another thing…most guys will talk about how they hate somewhat clingy girls, but not me. I love how they break all the dumb so called rules of dating(like waiting two days after getting someone’s number to call them.) The best is when you go on a date and you get home and the person is already calling and texting you that same night. The thing is, when I like a girl…I’ve already done my homework and (mostly) made up my mind that I like her before ever hanging out. I’m not deciding based on what she says or does during or after a date. Most people when they hang out with someone new are keeping some kind of mental scoreboard, trying to determine whether you’re worth their time or compatible…‘oh he likes strawberries…+5… but he’s wearing a Lacoste polo… -10 and he doesn’t watch Breaking Bad -25.’

I on the other hand am just looking for more reasons to like her as she reveals things about herself. “what’s that? you stabbed someone. Wow that’s so passionate.” Yet if a girl is super aggressive in liking me, and I have already convinced myself that I am into her then I’m fine with it. Go ahead and stop over unannounced. Call me 50 times in the middle of the night. Bring it on. If a girl really shows that she is into me, then I know that she is worth my time. If a girl only seems kind of into you, or like she might maybe be into you…then you know you are going to have to play that futile game over many months trying to win her over, and then losing her and then winning her back and then only to end up losing her to some guy who barely put in any effort at all, and probably would not have cared enough to go through all her online photos to see what kind of stuff she likes to do, or looked for sweet mugshots of her on google images and would never have thought about what it would be like to be holding hands with her at zoolights. So if a girl is only kind of interested then I am out because that is like sooooooo 2004-2005. Go ahead and creep on me, and i’ll creep you back. What could possibly go wrong?

October 22, 2013. Tags: , , , , , , , , . Uncategorized. Comments off.

Workout Routine

Workout Plan By Brandon Adamson (circa 2004)

Some girls are all about
wishing things would’ve worked out
or wondering why
things didn’t work out
don’t work out
won’t work out
or if only this
or that
then things could’ve worked out.
It’s as if instead of working things out
and things working out
all they really wanted was a good workout
I guess just let them
work themselves out
cause I just want things to work out
if that’s cool

May 13, 2011. Tags: , , , , . Uncategorized. Comments off.

The Summer That Never Was

Summer is nearly upon us, as the sun hangs above ever longer with each turn of the Earth…and yet still these are dark days. Absent is the optimism, the excitement, and the anticipation that preceded all previous summers, even those awful ones which each fell victim to their unique curses. I guess it is something that comes with age and experience, or rather the age and experience of one idiosyncratically stubborn enough to repeatedly try to get something right when they should know better.

In years past I looked forward to vividly imagined summer romances, of late night adventures, long road trips to far off places, holding hands and long afternoon make out sessions while listening to the songs where with each one you communicate something to the other person passive aggressively through the lyrics. Alas, those were summers that never were. After so many which did not fulfill the promise of my overactive imagination, I find that I now deprive myself of even the anticipation itself.

It’s like Pavlov’s experiment with the dog. One can be conditioned to salivate when the bell rings in anticipation of the perceived rewarding experience, but after so many times the bell tolls and only disappointment follows, well…forgive me if I don’t get too enthusiastic. I probably know how that story ends already.

Indeed, I find it difficult to muster the optimistic energy for more than even a single date. Imaginatively, I’m already bracing myself for all the possible negative scenarios, like a chess player using the four pawns attack, thinking several moves ahead…planning for a handful of contingencies, each one likely to leave me on the losing end. This, all before I have any idea if the person is even remotely interested to begin with. Before we share so much as our first Soy Delicious ice cream cone, I’ve already envisioned us breaking up in a thousand different horrible ways. Potential future arguments have all played out in my head. So when I look you in the eye and tell you how there’s nobody I’d rather hang out with, I’ve already taken into consideration all the negative aspects of your character, including imaginary ones that you may not even actually possess.

To this you might exclaim, “What a way to live! Why not just give things a chance. Everyone is different, etc.” Well, because I’ve done it a thousand times before, and the result has been a variation of the same thing every single time. If I couldn’t attract or hold the interest of the last few thousand girls in the face of even pitiful or nonexistent competition, would I not be a fool to think that it could turn out differently this time, especially with someone whose implicit inner and outer beauty should theoretically make them even more difficult to obtain?

I had a long talk with my ex on the phone last weekend. We discussed all our current dating prospects with which I confessed to her that I had none, other than a couple of real longshots. Of course she had to get in a bit of a jab and remark that “Most girls probably wouldn’t realize you like them, given that you hardly put in any effort.” I had to explain to her, results are the same regardless. And that when I put myself out there or display confidence, the girl will just come right out and tell me she’s not interested. At least if I’m distant and coy about the whole thing, I can maintain the illusion that she might actually be interested but just isn’t sure if I am into her. Anyway, when girls are interested, they are totally obvious about it. They call you all the time, text you all the time, and express their desire to hang out frequently. They don’t fuck around. If you have to wonder if a girl likes you, she probably doesn’t. You could always prod her to find out for sure, but I first would recommend you consider the exchange between Charlton Heston and Dr. Zaius near the end of Planet of the Apes:(1968 version)

Taylor: A planet where apes evolved from men? There’s got to be an answer!
Dr. Zaius: Don’t look for it, Taylor. You may not like what you find. .

Why are girls so attracted to confidence anyway? Seriously, it makes me doubt the merits of the evolutionary process. It’s so phony. Actual knowledge and cold contemplation are so much more valuable as traits. If a clueless person A exudes confidence while he jumps off a cliff and person B is aware of the likely negative implications but gives it a shot anyway, giving some attention to the possibility of survival will they not both splatter on the ground? Which person would you want steering the ship in storm? Girls’ attraction to empty confidence combined with the seemingly endless supply of arrogant doofus men helps to explain why there are so many stupid people in the world.

So then as a consolation I am left with a plethora of casual friendships, laughing and philosophising about fashion, colors, politics and the cosmos…with nary but an already scratched non-winning ticket in the lotto of romance. Not looking forward to the summer this year. How about you?

May 2, 2011. Tags: , , , , , , , , , . Uncategorized. Comments off.

Where have all the graveyards gone? Gone to Flowers every one…

Flying to Las Vegas in the morning. Will be back on thursday. Staying at “The Orleans,” a New Orleans themed hotel(hopefully pre-katrina and it’s not all just looters and mosquitoes running amok) Something tells me this isn’t going to be like “Live and Let Die.” If I die in a horrible plane crash. I hope you enjoyed reading my narcissistic ranting and raving for all these years. The other night I got this girl’s number and then when I texted her a few days later, she replied with something like “I’m sorry, I should have told you the other night I’m in a relationship etc.” Uhhh. What a dumb bitch. Why would you give your number out to guys at a bar? Anyway, not that I actually liked her or anything…she had a big greek nose kind of, but man how annoying. Anyway, she’s not the sort of girl who could make me feel all funny inside, you know like RH or ER or BS or NW. She was more of “mass text” material. Anyway! I’m going to Las Vegas, and it’s going to be hot as hell. Then when I get back all exhausted like, I get to finish cleaning out my old room and sorting through tons of accumulated crap and fell all the trauma of throwing away sentimentally valuable useless old shit.

July 20, 2010. Tags: , , , , . Uncategorized. Comments off.

Don’t cut out of here till we get on Cloud 9.

If you really want to annoy your romantic interest, just start talking like Edd “Kookie” Byrnes when you’re hanging out with her. I used to listen to this album around Christmas time last year, and after a while I started actually talking like this dude in real life on a day to day basis, to the disgust of many people. I picked up a lot of his phraseology and lingo. Enjoy a girl’s mortified reaction when you hit on her by telling her she’s the “ginchiest” in town. Or if you really want to impress her just say “I do 130 in a full house Deuce, with a Corvette mill on nitro juice.”

I wish I could find some of the other songs on this album to post…
Your GF will get mildly irritated but you can’t help but listen to this on repeat. Don’t let her bag on your groove. Let me clue ya, some of the jams on here are so far out they’re in. Shazam! I mean we’re talking the maximum utmost! The best ones are “Kookie Kookie Lend me your Comb,” “I don’t Dig You, Kookie” and “Like, I Love You.” Kookie (Edd Byrnes) is Kaptain Kool and an American original.

My ex girlfriend’s response was always to roll her eyes and curiously ask the all too familiar “so, is this like considered music or what would you call this?”

July 13, 2010. Tags: , , , , , , , , . Uncategorized. 1 comment.

Big League Chew

Three nights in a row I have fallen asleep around 9:30. I guess a zillion nights in a row of getting only 4 or 5 hours of sleep has finally caught up with me. I have to get out of this rut though. Sleep is such a waste of time and not going out for an extended period of time causes bad things to happen. You start to lose social mass. It’s like muscle mass, if you stop working out it will begin to vanish pretty quickly…and then you have to start all over.

I finished some paintings. I’m sorta happy with them. Painting in my underwear in my room is like my new (old) favorite pastime.Try not to get a mental picture of that though if you know what’s good for you and me.

I feel like last month was a very lush time period for girls and romance, but alas just as fast nearly all of my romantic interests have fizzled out. What happens is that you pick the most promising prospect to go for…because really no matter how many girls there are…there is usually just one or two that deep down you know you could potentially fall for. So you decide to get to know them better knowing that you’ll pretty much persistently like them so long as they don’t turn out to be homicidal maniacs..and of course they have to like you consistently, too. And so after those end up biting the dust…you start to go back and revisit the “B list,” but then you realize that nearly every girl is going to be a problem in some way so you might as well just go for the gold. Besides, it feels much less demeaning to get the shaft from some amazing girl you knew was probably slightly out of your league anyway, than to be dissed by some girl you thought would be an easy target. Better to have a brief stint in the majors than be flat out rejected by some minor league team, right?

So I’m in for yet another miserable birthday in a few days. My birthdays almost always suck ass. 2007 was the last good one that I had, and before that you have to go back to the 80’s, to some of my epic childhood birthday parties. The only thing I’m looking forward to is getting the keys to my place today or tomorrow…and moving in this weekend even though I don’t have any furniture yet. Though I will need to paint the walls, remove the carpeting and buy about a million things I don’t even know I’m going to need yet.

June 24, 2010. Tags: , , , , , . Uncategorized. Comments off.

The Accidental Manwhore

Someday I should really consider becoming an actual manwhore instead of just an accidental one…which is to say that yes! I think I’ve indeed become an accidental manwhore. An accidental manwhore is a guy who enters a dating experience with mostly pure intentions, but for whatever reason it just doesn’t work out. It ends up having this net effect of you having a zillion of these like one or two week romances…where you hook up with the person a few times but a relationship or courtship never fully materializes. So it gives the appearance that you’re a sleazy manslut as before you know it you’ve managed to hook up with all sorts of people, but really you’re just a bold, stubbornly romantic guy in a brave new world who just so happens to have really bad luck and never quite gets anywhere yet keeps trying anyway. Accidental manwhorism is just another peculiar phenomenon of life in the big city.

June 18, 2010. Tags: , , , , , , , . Uncategorized. Comments off.

tennis balls and mirror mazes

How’s the weather, whether or not we’re together,
Touch me but don’t let me down.
Maybe I’m just hanging around, with my head up, upside down..
it’s a pity, I can’t seem to find someone who’s as…
pretty and lovely as you

There needs to be a manual for how to deal with emotionally healthy girls. I seriously haven’t a clue. I used to think these were mere mythological creatures, somewhere in the realm of centaurs, nymphs or even The Kraken…essentially fantasy, dreamed up beasts that may or may not have existed long ago in far off lands but that which I would surely never see in my lifetime. However, perhaps emotionally healthy girls are more commonplace than I thought. I’ve come to realize that I probably just don’t attract them as they are more likely to be drawn to normal or otherwise ordinary dudes. Makes sense right? I certainly have never dated a completely emotionally healthy girl. In the past I would even have been thrilled to know some girl merely had an eating disorder or something, and that that was the extent of her core issues she was(and I soon would be) dealing with.

All of which begs the question..what in the world does one do with a pleasant, low maintenance, fully functional girl, mostly of sound mind? One who isn’t too clingy, who doesn’t blow off her friends to hang out with you? who doesn’t storm out the moment you say the wrong thing? Setting aside the totally freaking obvious answer of hang on for dear life and don’t let her get away!…one must face the more practical matter of just how on Earth to proceed with such a girl. Like I said, I haven’t the foggiest idea. My only instinct is that of a mirror. Whatever likable qualities she sees in me, I’m inclined to reflect those back to her. The image of herself she offers up to me, I accept it and in turn reflect that back to her. Whatever I manage to emanate from myself in her direction I then look upon her to reflect back toward me.

“I need you so, oh, oh, oh, oh
and if you take it easy I’m still teethin'”

June 16, 2010. Tags: , , , , , , , , . Uncategorized. Comments off.

“I wouldn’t be caught dead marrying a woman old enough to be my wife”- Tony Curtis

How the F did I manage to burn through 2000 text messages already this month? I thought that once I became single I could get away with dropping my plan from unlimited to say… a mere 2000. Well, that only worked for a while apparently. Am I one of those text messaging maniacs? Could I give the average millennial a run for his/her money. It doesn’t seem like I text a whole bunch, but as my texts are spread out to a wide range of people I guess it all adds up, especially considering the phone plan includes not just the ones I send, but also the ones I receive. Yesterday I got almost 30 texts from one ex-girlfriend. I did not send as many back, mostly due to time constraints. It’s not hard to see it as a metaphor for why things didn’t work out. She was too demanding, and I probably was too self involved and didn’t put in enough effort. Anyhow, am I really going to devote an entire entry to text messaging? Wouldn’t that be lame….

June 16, 2010. Tags: , , , , , , , . Uncategorized. Comments off.

The other summer, in Arizona I was sentenced to the chair…

Last night I had dinner at LGO with girl. We split an avocado pizza and discussed taxidermy. We went for a long walk through a few of the condos and townhomes in the area(three fountains, olive square, williamsburg square.) Then we drove around for a while through a slightly seedier part of town and as we passed a bowling alley, we decided to go bowling…only when we got inside they asked for IDs. Since when do you have to be 21 to get into a bowling alley? The chick at the door said that they turn the place into a club on Wednesdays, and so we decided that bowling alley on club night would not be a cool place, and would undoubtedly be filled with some of the wackest people imaginable…given the location of said bowling alley and demographics of the local area. So we bought some wine and went back to my house to use my glow in the dark Oujia board only when we got there I couldn’t find the cursed thing. We ended up playing a game of Stratego instead, which was pretty fun, except that my opponent didn’t realize that the bombs were supposed to be immobile and used as booby traps, and so she was moving them to explode my major and colonels. We then listened to the entire soundtrack of Modesty Blaise three times:

She is the shadow on your bedroom wall,
she is the dream you never found.
But then you’ll find no time to dream at all,
whenever Modesty’s round.

She’ll strike you dumb with just a single glance,
Or just a single glancing blow.
Exactly why she slays so many men
No man alive will ever know.

Modesty! Modesty!

She’ll turn your head,
Though she may use a judo hold.
And on her shoulder is a chip made of solid gold.

June 11, 2010. Tags: , , , , , , , , . Uncategorized. Comments off.

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